Clean jokes...

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Lol too kool for school
G2
 
I used to work with a grumpy guy who spent 10 years in the Marines. He didn't like my jokes. One day I told him this one and he actually smiled.

An army brigadier general dies and goes to heaven. After he passes through the pearly gates God takes him by the arm and shows him around. He is told that he will have a cute little bungalow and a Chevy sedan to drive. As they walk around they came to a huge mansion with a manicured lawn and garden. There is a Rolls Royce in the driveway and a flag pole with the Marine flag. On the front door of the mansion is a sign that says Semper Fi and the eagle of a bird colonel. The general is pissed. He asks God why a general gets a small house and a Chevy while a colonel gets a mansion and a Rolls. Who's house is this? God replies, "Mine".
 
hahaha! I knew that was a joke because God is US Army Airborne! He's no leg!
 
It's always nice to see two obsolete branches argue.

God is a supply sergeant. You pray to his minions to be able to get anything.
 
UffDa said:
Not everyone may get this.

Roy Rogers had some boots custom made. They were pretty stiff and hurt his feet, so he took them off and treated them with some leather dressing. He put them on the front porch and sat down to relax. He was about to doze off when a cougar ran up to the porch and grabbed the boots. Before Roy could react, the cougar ran off with the boots. Roy called the foreman and a hunting party went out looking for the cougar. A few hours later, the foreman pulled up in his pickup with a dead mountain lion in the bed and a pair of torn up boots. He said, "Pardon me Roy, is this the cat that chewed you new shoes?"


Groan.
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GroanII:rolleyes:
 
A rooster stands on the north edge of a barn roof, 20 feet off the ground and 4 inches from the edge. The roof is 30 feet long and is sloping on both sides. When it lays an egg, will it roll off the east side or the west side, and how fast?
 
You hear about the guy who got a viagra stuck in his throat?

He had a stiff neck for the next couple of days
 
DocT said:
A rooster stands on the north edge of a barn roof, 20 feet off the ground and 4 inches from the edge. The roof is 30 feet long and is sloping on both sides. When it lays an egg, will it roll off the east side or the west side, and how fast?
Click to expand...

No one got the joke or everyone hated it. I see no response.
 
Hard to say, it's similar to the one about 'If a plane crashes right on the border of the US and Canada, where would the survivors be buried? :)

G2
 
See there ya go
And you don't bury survivors. ;)

I think not every joke will get a response so not to worry, just keep putting them out there.

G2
 
DocT said:
No one got the joke or everyone hated it. I see no response.
Click to expand...

Good joke DocT ... just enough tricky details to throw us off - just like math in high school :) I usually read .. but slipped up due to summer and other distractions otherwise I would have hit the like button for sure. Gary is right, keep on posting jokes, the world needs them! And when we need jokes, we are not likely posting them ourselves.
 
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”
 
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,

“Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I’m going to jump off too.”

The Redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”

The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage, and jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito, and jumps too.

The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife is weeping.

She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says,”I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she said. “He made his own lunches.”
 
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie”.

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?”

“Now tell me, what WOULD you say!?”
 
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