Clean jokes...

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Young Eddie was spending Christmas with his grand parents. On Christmas morning the family went to church. While they were waiting to go in Eddie checked all the announcements, and pictures along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby verger, 'Who are all those men in the pictures?'

The verger replied, 'Why, those are our boys who died in the service'.

Dumbfounded, the Jonathan asked, 'Was that the carol service or the Christmas Day service?'
 
What happens when kids’ letters arrive at the North Pole? Does Kringle and Co. sell the data to online marketers? We read the fine print on Santa’s website:

• Santa’s Privacy Policy: At Santa’s Workshop, your privacy is important to us. What follows is an explanation of how we collect and safeguard your personal information.

• Why Do We Need This Information? Santa Claus requires your information in order to compile his annual list of who is Naughty and who is Nice and to ensure accuracy when he checks it twice.

• What Information Do We Collect? We obtain information from the unsolicited letters sent to Santa by children all over the world listing specific items they would like to
receive for Christmas. Often these letters convey additional information, such as which of their siblings are doodyheads. The letters also provide another important piece of information—fingerprints. We run these through databases maintained by the FBI, CIA, NSA, Interpol, MI6, and the Mossad. If we find a match, it goes straight on the Naughty List.

• What Do We Do with the Information We Collect? Sharing is one of the joys of Christmas. For this reason, we share your personal information with unaffiliated third parties: the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Hanukkah Harry. —Laurence Hughes, from McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
 
Yikes! I'm done for. :D ... but we already knew that!
 
Stage 4. here ... but kindly preface that with a Ms and know that aging gracefully is both a goal and a struggle ... but the wisdom may be worth it. I'll let you know when it arrives :D
 
Let me tell you that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life hell.

I recently penned a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip, and I missed one small "e".

No problem you might think.

Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.

I wrote – "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her!":eek:
 
I know that I have an OCD problem

One thing that bugs me is, that it is not in alphabetical order...

;)
G2
 
What do you call a cow that’s had an abortion?.....De-calfinated.

I’m hear all night folks!
 
The Haircut
A young man had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the young man came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
 
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”

And then she went back to reading her book.
 
What did one fish say to the other fish when it ran into the cement wall?
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Dam
 
The problem with 50 pages in a thread is that I might post a joke that is already told here, however,, here goes:

Four engineers were in a car traveling to a conference when the car stopped running and wouldn't start.
The electrical engineer said that it must be an ignition problem and they should check for a loose ground.
The mechanical engineer felt it was something like a fuel pump or a loose belt and they should inspect these first.
The chemical engineer said he was certain that it was contaminated fuel and they should try siphoning it out and filtering it through
an old t-shirt.
They all looked at the software engineer who had been silent and asked what he thought. He pondered a moment and said, "Gee, I don't know. Maybe if we all got out of the car and got back in..."
 
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
 
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
 
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
 
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His amazed friends asked him how old he told her he was.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"
 
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