Clean jokes...

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I don't get the blonde jokes, my wife is a beautiful blonde.

Then I looked in the mirror and the light came on.
 
And the Lord saith unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

However, John came fifth and left with a toaster.
 
I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.

They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.

Now it's "Donald! Duck!"
 
They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!
 
Riley and Tod were walking down a country road and Riley says “ Hey Tod, look at that dead bird!”, Tod looks up in the sky and says “where?”
 
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Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"

The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
 
Jesus-April-Fools.jpg
 
John: Quick! Someone call 911!
Ted: What's the matter?
John: There are two girls fighting over me!
Ted: Why is that an emergency?
John: The ugly one is winning!
 
Bernie Sanders and a older gentleman were setting in their shorts at a resort. Bernie turns to the other man and asks "Have you read Marx?" He says, Yes...I believe it's these wicker chairs.
 
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled," the woman said. "And I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry. Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed and said to her, "You're certainly a courageous woman. Now, which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
 
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