Clean jokes...

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Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
The third man replied, "They're Carol's."
 
Doctor Doctor, I think I'm a dog;
Just lie on the couch;
I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture!
 
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
 
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
 
Mr Brown was a hypochondriac and should never have attended the medical lecture on diseases of the kidney.

Unfortunately he did and the very next day called on his doctor. The doctor attempted to explain that in that particular disease there was no pain or discomfort of any kind. "I knew it," gasped Mr Brown, "My symptoms exactly."
 
Doctor, doctor, I think I've been bitten by a vampire.

Drink this glass of water.

Will it make me better?

No, but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
 
An Atheist is spending a nice afternoon on Loch Ness doing some fishing. All is well for the most part till the water starts getting all rough and choppy.

Suddenly to the surprise of the atheist Nessie ( The Lock Ness monster ) tosses the boat up high into the air. As our friend the atheist starts to fall back to earth to the awaiting jaws of Nessie he screams " Oh God Save Me " At that moment time stops. The atheist is frozen in mid air staring down at the open mouth of the Loch Ness Monster. He hears a voice call to him " I thought you did not believe in me" God calls sternly. In reply the atheist exclaims " Well a few moments ago I didn't believe in the Lock Ness monster either! " God answers" Seeing how you have lived your life I shan't save you from your fate, however I shall grant one last wish of your time left on earth" The atheist feeling so very clever makes his request, " Could you please make it so The Lock Ness monster believes in you as well? "
God replies , " It shall be done." and with that time starts to move once more . The atheist stared in dis belief as he span closer to the mouth of Nessie when suddenly she clasp her flippers in prayer and said. " Please bless this food for which I am about to receive ."
 
My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
 
A British Airways flight from London to New York had just leveled off at cruising altitude after leaving Heathrow Airport. The passengers were starting to unbuckle their seatbelts while listening to the Captain's announcement:

"Ladies and gentleman, welcome aboard British Airways Flight 293, non-stop from London to New York. The weather is excellent and we should have an uneventful flight. So, set back, relax...OH SH!!!" Complete silence followed with no explanation for the outburst.

Minutes passed and finally, the nervous passengers were able to relax when the captain was able to finish his earlier statement:

"Ladies and gentleman, as I was saying, the weather is excellent and we should have an uneventful flight. I do apologize for any inconvenience or stress from my last statement. You see, a flight attendant had just spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers."

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled, " For the love of heaven, you should see the back of mine!"
 
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Attorney: “Why didn’t you help when your wife was being attacked and beaten by your neighbor?”

Defendant: “Well – it seemed to me he was doing just fine on his own!”
 
Doctor: Mr. Rooseley, are you sure you really want to know your test results?

Patient: I’m dying to know.

Doctor: Well, funny you should say that...
 
A Hindu, a Muslim and a Jew are having a friendly debate about their respective religions and which is the best.

The Hindu says that his experience would end the discussion as it proves that Hinduism is the religion that works: 'I'll never forget that day...i was out in the ocean fishing to feed my family, when a strong wind started blowing that pushed me further into the open sea..in a moment's notice, a terrifying storm was raging all around me...a massive wave rises before my eyes heading straight at me...i started praying to Brahma waiting for my imminent death..suddenly a bright light shines around me forming a protective shield all around the boat..water all around but behind the shield nothing. It stayed that way until i managed to head back to the shore and out of the storm! It was just glorious...!'

The Muslim says that this doesn't prove that Hinduism is the only 'true' religion, as he lived through a very similar experience: 'Back when i was young and the adventure bug was at his peak, i joined a caravan that was travelling across the dessert, looking for new places and opportunities.. Suddenly a sandstorm, mightier than anything i had ever seen, was all around us..i could hear people crying...others shouting commands i couldn't really distinguish..it was terrifying...at that moment i thought that Allah was our only hope so i just knelled and started to pray..suddenly, with a powerful thundering sound, a fire that didn't burn came from the sky and encircled us...everywhere i looked there was sand but in the fiery sphere nothing. i'll never forget that moment!'

The Jew sat through the stories without any signs of surprise or being moved in any way..'Guys that's nothing...Just listen to the the most special Shabbat that I've ever had...Saturday, in my flat in New York, just gone through my prayers.. i stand up and my eye, instinctively, follows a red flash outside the window...i turn, only to lay eyes on the most beautiful woman i'd ever seen, wearing a fiery red summer dress, ..i'm ashamed to say that i couldn't resist, it was love at first sight...i decided not to miss the chance, so i went out and started talking to her...i can tell she felt the same way the moment i approached her and there was a kind of chemistry going on...she invited me to her flat, just a block away....i was divided between my religious duties and the magic of the moment but it was stronger than me, so i accepted...as soon as we entered the apartment things got heated and in a minute the unavoidable was going to happen...I just closed my eyes before joining her in the bed and started praying to God to forgive my weakness...suddenly - you won't believe this guys- but it happened..a true miracle...Saturday all around us, but inside the bedroom, Sunday!'
 
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*STUDENT OBTAINED 0% IN AN EXAM!*

I WOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM 100%! EACH ANSWER IS ABSOLUTELY GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT AND FUNNY TOO. THE TEACHER HAS NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

*Q1: IN WHICH BATTLE DID NAPOLEON DIE?*

```HIS LAST BATTLE.```

*Q2: WHERE WAS THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE SIGNED?*

```AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.```

*Q3: RIVER RAVI FLOWS IN WHICH STATE?*

```LIQUID.```

*Q4: WHAT IS THE MAIN REASON FOR DIVORCE?*

```MARRIAGE.```

*Q5: WHAT IS THE MAIN REASON FOR FAILURE?*

```EXAMS.```

*Q6: WHAT CAN YOU NEVER EAT FOR BREAKFAST?*

```LUNCH & DINNER.```

*Q7: WHAT LOOKS LIKE HALF AN APPLE?*

```THE OTHER HALF.```

*Q8: IF YOU THROW A RED STONE INTO THE BLUE SEA WHAT WILL IT BECOME?*

```WET.```

*Q9: HOW CAN A MAN GO EIGHT DAYS WITHOUT SLEEPING?*

```NO PROBLEM, HE SLEEPS AT NIGHT.```

*Q10: HOW CAN YOU LIFT AN ELEPHANT WITH ONE HAND?*

```YOU WILL NEVER FIND AN ELEPHANT THAT HAS ONE HAND```

*Q11: IF YOU HAD THREE APPLES AND FOUR ORANGES IN ONE HAND AND FOUR APPLES AND THREE ORANGES IN OTHER HAND, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE?*

```VERY LARGE HANDS```

*Q12: IF IT TOOK EIGHT MEN TEN HOURS TO BUILD A WALL, HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE FOUR MEN TO BUILD IT?*

```NO TIME AT ALL, THE WALL IS ALREADY BUILT```

*Q13: HOW CAN YOU DROP A RAW EGG ONTO A CONCRETE FLOOR WITHOUT CRACKING IT?*

```ANY WAY YOU WANT, CONCRETE FLOOR ARE VERY HARD TO CRACK.```
 
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