Clean jokes...

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Why did the chicken cross the road halfway and come back?

He wanted to lay it on the line.
 
Two potatoes are in the oven...one turns to the other and says, “Boy, its hot in here.”
The other turns and says, ”Holy crap!!! A talking potato!!”

Wa wa waaaaa. Haha. My nephews love that one. :)

Two peanuts were walking in an alley at night.
One was a salted!
 
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy - Son, how old are you? Eight - the boy replied. The man continued - Do you know what these are used for? The boy replied - Not really, but they aren't for me. They're for my brother here. He's four. He saw on TV that if you use these, you can swim and ride a bike, and right now he can't do either.
 
One day after a man had been for his annual physical, the doctor came out and said - You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?

Well, I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.

That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?

Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.


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Two factory workers are talking. The woman says - I can make the boss give me the day off. The man replies - And how would you do that? Just wait and see. She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says - What are you doing? I'm a light bulb. The boss then says - You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off. The man starts to follow her and the boss says - Where are you going? I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.
 
A police chief was receiving an award. Next - the conference emcee announced - We have the chief of the State Police, Roger Smith, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly.

The chief took his place at the lectern. I’m a little nervous. Getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her.
 
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
 
A little white rabbit escaped from a Laboratory Animal Test Facility and soon found several wild rabbits feeding on a cabbage patch at a nearby market garden. The wild rabbits were very friendly and welcomed him to join them, which he did.

They chatted and after a big feed of cabbage leaves he was full. He thanked his new friends and told them he’d best get back. The wild rabbits were baffled. You only just escaped. Why would you want to go back?

I’m dying for a smoke.
 
There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic. “When I die, I’ll get it on my way up,” chuckled the old man.

When the old man died, the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there.

“I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!” said the old woman.
 
An old lady goes to the doctor and says - Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.

The doctor says - I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back. Doctor, I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas, although still silent, it stinks terribly.

Good. now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing.

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Think About It!


Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say,
"Your password is incorrect."

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking -- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty five years; then we met.

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Every time someone comes up with a fool proof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you keep both feet firmly planted on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I married Miss Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver's test -- the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery
 
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