Clean jokes...

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A man walking along a beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said: “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said: “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.”

The Lord said: “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said: “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing’s wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied: “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
 
A man had a terrible cough. Finally, he went to the refrigerator for some cough medicine, but accidentally took a bunch of laxative, instead.

Later, his wife noticed he had not been coughing and said, "How's your cough? I haven't heard you cough in a while."

The man said, "That's because I'm afraid to cough."
 
A motor cop pulled over a elderly woman for a broken tail light. A minor violation of the law.

As she was retrieving her drivers license, the Officer noticed that she had a handgun permit in her wallet. “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in the car with you?”, he ask.

“I have a Walther PPK in my purse.”, she said. “It’s my favorite.”

As the LEO reached for his ballpoint pen to write the citation, he took a breath, ready to explain why she was pulled over. To his surprise, she continued...

“Then, there’s the little Colt .38 in the center console between the seats. And, a Colt Officer’s Model .45 in the glove compartment.”

“I considered a Glock 9mm but,
the 45 ACP is well proven. Besides, I like the little horse Colt stamps on the side of their guns.”

Finishing, she said, “I also have a Remington 870 riot gun in the trunk.”

Keeping his composure, the Officer ask, “Lady, what are you afraid of?”

“Not a damn thing.”
 
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There were these two mice and they had passed away and they got up to Saint Peter's Gate and they say to Saint Peter.....geeeez it sure is big up here......so Saint Peter gives them a pair a roller skates to get around on......a few days latter these two cats pass away and meet Saint Peter and he lets them through and a few days go by and Saint Peter see's them cats again and says.....So how you like it up here.....they say ummmmmm not sure yet......but your meals on wheels sure are great ~ "smile"

Grandma shared this one with me ~ I was just listening to her on a recording she made.....sure miss her a bunch ~
 
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Grandpa Peter's and Grandma Betty's said:
There were these two mice and they had passed away and they got up to Saint Peter's Gate and they say to Saint Peter.....geeeez it sure is big up here......so Saint Peter gives them a pair a roller skates to get around on......a few days latter these two cats pass away and meet Saint Peter and he lets them through and a few days go by and Saint Peter see's them cats again and says.....So how you like it up here.....they say ummmmmm not sure yet......but your meals on wheels sure are great ~ "smile"

Grandma shared this one with me ~ I was just listening to her on a recording she made.....sure miss her a bunch ~
Click to expand...

I needed that! Thank you.

My wife and I both enjoy a good cat joke.
 
57 pages..... I don't remember if I told these or not. Sorry if they are repeats but they are favorites :)

What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
The accordion burns longer.

How do you know if you have perfect pitch on your accordion?
It doesn't hit the sides of the dumpster on the way in.

:)
 
sabre cat said:
A motor cop pulled over a elderly woman for a broken tail light. A minor violation of the law.

As she was retrieving her drivers license, the Officer noticed that she had a handgun permit in her wallet. “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in the car with you?”, he ask.

“I have a Walther PPK in my purse.”, she said. “It’s my favorite.”

The LEO reached for his ballpoint pen to write the citation. He took a breath, ready to explain why she was pulled over. To his surprise, she continued...

“Then, there’s the little Colt .38 in the center console between the seats. And, a Colt Officer’s Model .45 in the glove compartment.”

“I considered a Glock 9mm but,
the 45 ACP is well proven. Besides, I like the little horse Colt stamps on the side of their guns.”

Finishing, she said, “I also have a Remington 870 riot gun in the trunk.”

Keeping his composure, the Officer ask, “Lady, what are you afraid of?”

“Not a damn thing.”
Click to expand...
She forgot to tell the officer about the Daniel Defense AR-15 that she appendix carried that day.
 
Why did Sally fall off the swings?
Because she has no arms.




Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
 
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