Day 1: the end of my Cursed existence.

Ad Astra

Ad Astra

Joined
Jul 30, 2004
Messages
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Day 1: the end of my Cursed existence.

http://www.campral.com/index_flash.html

Treatment with Campral should be part of a comprehensive management program that includes psychosocial support.

______________


Sept. 16, 2004: Hurricane Ivan strikes the NW Florida coast with 110 mph winds & 10-15 ft storm surge. 6500+ inhabitants of Escambia & Santa Rosa counties are homeless or living in wreckage.

The first story of our coastal home is gone.

October, 2004: My wife & I turn on each other. The world has turned to sh__, and nothing is going to change it. We have lost a lot- pier, decks, half our house. The city is ruined. Sunken ships poke out of the water. Trees flattened, broken windows, signs down: atomic attack aftermath. Our sanity too becomes victim. We fight constantly: finally she leaves. I stay in the wreckage: no looters shall pass.

November, 2004: One day, FEMA guys come around. Nice folks, doing a job. The calculate our losses at around 80K. They take pictures. We chat. Do I want a trailer? Sure. One day a new RV is there when I get home from work. Enter the FEMA trailer.

December, 2004: Winds howl down the bay, shaking the tin box that is my new home. I have gotten 8 contractors estimates: 80K damages, 27K insurance payout. The scope of the damage to the area is so vast... nobody can do the work for what insurance is paying. “Blue Roofs” are very popular, these are bright blue tarps put up by FEMA (bless ‘em) and the Army Corps of Engineers. Everybody has one....

March 2005: Waited 6 months for this guy... John is a licensed handyman with good things said abut him. For a fixed hourly (twice what I earn) he’ll start work on this mess.

Monday, May 23, 2005: John is done. The house is stunning: paint, walls (never take walls for granted- not everybody has them) new masonry foundation (water breaks concrete) everything new. I’m calling FEMA today to take the Cursed Trailer: Saturday we move back in.

I said we. My exile is over, so too my wife’s. There’s just one thing not moving back into the new home.

My alcoholism. I am an alcoholic, the child of two alcoholic parents. Genetic disposition is there. So too is my will to fight it. During the last few months the 18-pack of beer has been my constant companion. No longer.

You can help, good people of the Cantina. The doctor gave me some stuff called Campral. It lessens the need to drink- but it works better with support.

So post here if you want to be a part of a new beginning. I can use the encouragement. I’d like to know other people’s stories about taking on addiction. Addiction of all kind sucks, but in fighting booze I am defintely taking on a giant. The odds aren’t good and I know it.

The greatest battles take place within.

The next few days are going to be rough. DT’s are a possibility. But I am not alone.

So thanks for listening, guys. I have never asked the Cantina for smoke. But tonight, when the moon rises, if you can spare it... some warrior spirit smoke would be appreciated.


Mike
Ad Astra
 

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You got it Ad Astra, the first step is admiting you have a problem and you've done that. Smoke and prayers on the way.



James
 
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Takes a lot of courage and sand to fight your demons. From your posts I thinkyou have both. Kicked cigarettes about 15 years ago. Not nearly as tough as what you are doing. But it does get better with time. Hang tough and when you feel the urge is getting too tough, post here and I'm sure somebody will be handy to lend an ear. God bless.
Terry
 
Stress is the worst when trying to kick a habit.....smoke & prayers to you and I hope things start to be a lot better for ya'

Steve
 
You can do it, Mike! We're thinking of you, drop a line if you want to chat. Glad to hear your home situation is somewhat restored too.
 
Thank you very much, guys. I have much to gain.

I've had the "moment of clarity" thing. It's like having a fish hook stuck in your back, if you leave it alone you can live with it. The pain comes when you pull it out, but so it must be.

My wife is skeptical that I can gain support from the forum- you're already proving I can.



Ad Astra
 
Mike-

I hope mine isn't the first post that makes it to this thread. You deserve to hear from someone who knows you well instead of someone who knows you not at all.

Congratulations on getting your home back finally and especially on your decision to overcome your alcoholism. The first step is the hardest one I think they say. Admitting an uncontrollable problem is something so many never do.

My mother is an alcoholic and my father a drug addict. My mother has 20+ years sobriety and my father is a crack addict- they split up over this.

For myself... I had a long history of pain killer use and abuse. It all started legally with prescription after my shoulder was forcibly dislocated and my ear drum popped. From there it degenerated until the point where I was taking 80mg of oxycontin a day. I didn't know what I was doing to my body; I just knew that it gave me respite from the physical and emotional pain that I constantly felt- in truth, the latter was the worst.

then I found out how bad that crap is for a person. The newspapers were reporting kids dying from OC overdose. And I made the decision to quit. For 3 days I laid in bed sweating and shivering. My joints felt like there was some kind of liquid fire inside of them and it was throbbing with each heartbeat. When I got up to go to the bathroom and vomit I had to force myself to stand and walk (shuffle) by strength of will alone. And I had it easy, my roommate almost died withdrawing.

It was hell but it wasn't lasting. I never second guessed my decision to quit and tried to never lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, I have not touched a painkiller in over a year and a half and can not conceive of a situation (outside of sever blunt trauma/surgery) where I will ever take one again.

That is not to say that I don't still have the craving from time to time. It is easy to hide behind drugs or in a bottle. It is easy to stone yourself into oblivion and just not care about anything.

For me, in this world, the hardest thing for a man to do is just stand and be a man. To exist despite all the pain and hardship and still revel in the glory of life. I don't know if you've seen FullerH's sig line, he says, "...still trying to walk in the light."

And thats how I think of myself when I can. I've been to the "dark side" and found it empty and hollow. meaningless and damning. So now every day I wake up and try to do something positive and good for myself and for those I love. Nevermind that some days I want to roll over and sleep or on others, (much less frequent now) roll over and die.

I keep my father's face burned permanently into my mind and I will never allow myself to resemble it or the person he has made of himself.


I don't know that this will help but you asked for others experiences so... I sincerely hope this helps.

And smoke too. It is ethereal but it rises to the heavens like a bird taking wing.

May my prayers for you and yours be carried with it.
 
"YOU",can do it!Have a friend that smoked,first thing in the morning cig,last thing at night a cig.One day,reached for a cig.pack was EMT.He said ,"I realized Cigs were controlling my life"!! He doesn't LIKE anything to control him.
He bought a pack,put it on the dresser,it was the first thing he saw in the morn,last thing he saw at night. NEVER touched them again,event.threw the PKG.OUT!! "IT'S all IN THE HEART & THE MIND"!! You can do it,no need to wish you luck,you won't need it.
THE DUCK! :cool:
 
First, a HEARTY CONGRATULATIONS on getting your house back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is no small feat. And the fact that you are pleased with the work he did. That says a lot.

And that your wife has now moved back in and you are again together again.


These are all wonderful things.

And now you are ready to confront the alcohol. This too is a wonderful thing. Seems like the perfect time to do it.


I do not have any first hand experience with battling this particular demon. I have heard he is not easy to vanquish, so my only advice is to not underestimate him. I imagine you will have some rather trying times, as you've had already. Just acknowledge them for what they are and fight through them.

Allow your wife to help you too.

Post on here whenever you need to. Write stupid things, write brilliant things, write anything. If you need more than this forum offers on the surface, let us know and we'll figure something out.

Drink coffee or get out and walk. Gandhi said walking was one of the best things a human being could do for themselves. Good for the head as well as the body.

Keep us posted.

~ Bamboo ~
 
Continued thanks... I deeply appreciate everyone's help & input.

I feel like I am entering the arena, and the opponent is a vicious a__-kicker.

Nice to know people want me to win. I am planning to put on the absolute best fight I can.


Ad Astra
 
Ad, you have made the biggest and toughest step by acknowledging the problem. I know that my 17 year pack-a-day smoking habit was ALL mental. The physical addiction was hardly anything. Once I got that switch reset in my head the problem vanished almost overnight. On a Tuesday I smoked in the morning. I quit in the afternoon cold turkey and never took another puff. By Friday all desire to smoke had left me. That was 13 years ago. I still ocassionally get a twinge (especially after a good meal and a cup of coffee!), but that is easily overcome. I am sure alcohol is a lot tougher, but you have taken the first step and at the right time as far as I am concerned, now that you are making a new start with your home and wife.

I'm starting smoke for you right now from the west coast, and sending positive energy your way. Hang in there. You're doing it!

PLease don't let this drop, but keep us informed as to how you're doing.

Take care.

Norm
 
On the list.

The battle is largely a state of mind, you vs. your opponent.

That does not make it easier, but know this much: There are people that do care about you and your well-being and want to see you be victorious. You conquered the hurricane aftermath, you can conquer this.

Being new here, I don't know you and you don't know me, but anyone that has the fortitude to recognize the issue and seek treatment and help has my highest esteem.

Don't neglect the benefit of local support group meetings.

Best wishes,

Noah
 
All those images that make up who we are, the ones we have of ourself, the one people close to us like wives and family see. The ones people at work see, the ones seen by friends. All different all only part of what we are made of. The image you see of yourself is the one that you will control or that will control you. I think one of the first steps is an honest look at that image. It sounds like you have started looking.
 
Ad, I'm no longer a good role model or perhaps even a voice to be heard from. But I don't want you to think you're alone. I thought I'd tell you I drank a fifth or more of vodka every day for 10 years and quit for almost 17. I was intoxicated, one way or another, from about 15 and a half years old to almost 30.

Over the sober years, I didn't realize how looney I'd become, but sleep apnea was very severe and I ultimately got drunk again with spectacular bad results. (that's why they say to make sure you aren't hungry, sleepy, and whatever the heck is the other thing...)
Since then I've fallen several times.

You know what was very good? Was when I almost died from steadily drinking too much, almost 20 years ago, and knew there was no option. There was no high, no good times, just a lie- the image on TV, in books, or the label. It is best to know the good, if it ever did exist in booze, is simply not there anylonger.

I have no answers for you. Any way that works is the one.
Yesterday evening I climbed back on the MT bike.


munk
 
You might want to check out the Glenn Beck show;
http://www.glennbeck.com/
He is a bit of a right winger, ok alot, but he is a recovering alcoholic and talks about it without pulling any punches. It's quite enlighting to listen to. His latest rant was about Pat O'Brian. He did not believe his confession on tv when he went into rehab and said he was cured and all should be forgiven. He went into the mindset of an alcoholic and what it takes to remain sober. It was brutal. He is a talk show host that seems to be nation wide, so you probably get it down where you are.
 
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