Girl trouble... advice maybe?

Status
Not open for further replies.
Joined
Jul 18, 2003
Messages
1,889
My girlfriend of 8 years has decided I need to move out for a few weeks so she can decide what she wants out of life and our relationship. We arent going to date other people or anything and after the first week we'll hang out and see how things are.

We've been to a couple counseling sessions and all but she really seems to not be comfortable around me in a romantic way. We still get along just fine and she likes to talk and do activities but just doesn't feel the love anymore. She says it's more like we're friends.

I know she isn't cheating because I know her and she wouldn't, plus we've both had that done to us in the past and vowed to never do it to another person.

So my question is: do I just sit by and wait or do I start looking around?
I love her and really want her to stay but fear that she's going to want to leave and i'll get stuck alone and devistated. SInce I have no control over her feelings and everything I've tried to make her happy is just not making it better...

I just dont know what to do.

I posted this here and not in whine and cheese so hopefully I'd get thoughtful and or helpful advice.

Thanks everyone.
N2
 
Neko2, my passaround pal, this is always a tough call. She seems to be a year late for the seven year itch. Since she wants you out of the way to decide what she wants, my guess is she does not want you . This is life amigo. You don't find love, it finds you, so there is no reason to start actively "looking around". Do what makes Neko happy and a happy Neko will bloom like a flower attracting the bees with little effort.Don't waste your energy on lost causes. An old guys 2c. Kevin
 
Well, I think deep down you know what you have to do. MOVE ON! You've been to counseling, and that was no help. She has told you she only likes you as a friend and asked you to move out - BIG HINT! At least she is being honest with you. Now you must be honest with yourself and move on, no matter how much it hurts. Sorry for your troubles, I hope my advice helps.
 
There is someone else she is undecided about. She may not of cheated but it's a yet at this time. Once you move out........................

Not only should you move out but you should prepare to move on.
 
Like Pink Floyd says: Run Like Hell!

If it's got to this point, it's time to move on and start looking out for your own future.

It will not likely get better from here.

John
 
It sounds like you have been trying to make it work, and that she is trying to find a way of ending it that doesn't involve strength or decisiveness. Time to move out, and to prepare to move on. Compromise only works if both people are prepared to have a go.
 
I must agree with my fellow formites on there previous posts. Take off and do not look back! Call every one of your male friends and make some plans to go fishing, hunting, golfing, or whatever your interests are. In the evenings make some plans with boyz night out and hit the hotspots in your neck of the woods. Go prowling around a little... Point is break your routine, stay occupied and have some fun damn it ;)

The worst thing you can do is try to hold on to a relationship that is romantically dead. Sure, you all can still be friends. Call her once a month or slightly more often to check to make sure she is ok. But let her know you are doing fine and have moved on, it will command respect..

All the best~
 
The first thing I want to know is why should YOU leave? If she has the indecision let her go somewhere else. The only way I could see it being fair the other way around is if she doesn't have any family or close friends in the area.

I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound good. If after 8 years she is unsure, then I think she may be too chicken to break up and is trying to make it easy on herself. Which will probably hurt you more in the long run than if she just ended it.

I would tell her that you want to break up and see if she comes running. If she truly loves you after 8 years I think she will. Of course I don't know her personality or anything else about the relationship.

What really bugs me is that it seems she is giving you ultimatums, yet not really being honest with you. Communication=always good, even though it may not always feel that way at the time. Ultimatums=always bad IMO.

I'm not sure she has someone in mind, but if you do vacate for a while so she can "think" and you find out she is cheating then she is really doing you a favor by showing you what kind of person she is.

Man to man, start covering your butt right now. If you have financial ties, straighten them out. Even honest people disagree in life and things can get ugly in breakups/divorces. I am watching a marriage disintegrate in my family right now so I've had a lot of this on my mind lately.

Good luck to you no matter which way things go. I hope things work out, but if they don't it may be for the best. It will just be hard to see it for a while.

BTW, don't be in a hurry to start looking around. After 8 years you do not want to get into another relationship too soon. If you break up and you want to do a little playing around, go for it. Any emotional attachment you might form too soon after such a long relationship is going to be trouble. Learn to enjoy being on your own again. Take up a new hobby. Do all the things that made your girl mad during the relationship.

I hope that some of my blabber is possibly helpful.
 
"It is no kindness to hang a man slowly."

I think your girlfriend just doesn't have the fortitude to pull the trigger, so - like characters in TV sitcoms - she talks of "Needing more space", or "Not being ready for the next stage" or whatever.

Part now.

Remember: In 6 months' time, you'll have a couple of pints and think "Wouldn't it be a great idea to 'phone (name)?" No. It would be the biggest mistake you ever made!

maximus otter
 
Neko. Eight years is a long time and is this the full story? Has she changed eating habits, any differences you aren't picking up on? Has she had a problem with her own family? Women will not tell you everything and I'm not suggesting there is cause to check everthing she does. Is she on antideppressants? That will change alot of factors too. Good luck. Cindy
 
Time to move on and to protect yourself financially,emotionally, and your property.
 
Get all of your belongings, and I mean all, and find a place quick. Is your name on the lease? Get it off, or she could possibly stiff you with the rent.

You know this woman, I think you know what you should do. You want confirmation of what to do. Okay.

Get the hell out and get her name off of whatever you own, and make sure your name isn't on anything she owns.
 
Bail. You know it deep down and just haven't come to it yet.

I know she isn't cheating because I know her and she wouldn't, plus we've both had that done to us in the past and vowed to never do it to another person.
Famous last words.

Loss of romanticism, not comfortable being romantic..of course no one really is comfortable with physical relationships with 2 people. BTDT, not fun.

One of you has decided to split. We know who that is. Now you need to decide also otherwise it will be a painful trail from here out. She wants you out to comaprison shop, wether thats being alone or another, it doesn't matter. Do you really not value yourself to be put in that position?

I can see asking my wife to move out so I can see if I would rather be alone than with her.

Just remember this is just my opinion, you ultimately know the answers but have to ask the tough questions.

Good Luck,
Paul
 
MEN. we can not live with you and can't live with you...there are always two sides to the story. Neko, are you going to let this woman you love walk out of your life without just breaking down and crying to prove you really love her!? She needs to know it. It can't hurt and maybe you'll finally get down to the truth if you do. Trust me. Women can be absolute suckers for crying men. Cindy aka: Cavelady
 
Time passes... people change... if she is confused after 8 years together then you need to develop some real clarity for yourself. Sounds like the beginning of the end. No need to torture yourself and her... part as friends (or at least not as enemies). Move on and begin enjoying life again.

AJ
 
Cavelady, quit torturing the poor guy. It's clear to most of us what's going on because we're men and most of us have seen this routine, either in our own lives or with a close friend who's had it happen. Me personally, I've seen it up close and personal.

It's time for him to stop being manipulated and start doing what's right for him in the long run.

Neko, run, don't walk away and don't look back. A little pain now will save you a lot more in the near future.

John
 
take all that is valuable and run for it!

shes clearly thinking of someone else!
 
I'm going disagree with everyone here and say to give her the time and space she needs. This is a test period for the both of you. She might still love you. If you do run away it will be a waste of 8 whole years. But the key here is not to give her too much time. 1 month tops.

Unlike all the others here i'm not willing to give advice that assumes she is thinking of someone else. Or even assumes that she is getting ready to leave you. If that turns out to be wrong and you ran away you would have lost someone very dear to you.

If you do move out make it clear to her it will be for a set time....eg. 1 month only. If by the end of it she can't make a decision, then you must break up and move on. 1 month more is not too much to give to a relationship that has lasted 8 years.

So give the break a try and during that time keep yourself busy doing things that you enjoy and things that make you a better person.

Hope everything works out.

P.S. DO NOT SEE HER FOR THE WHOLE MONTH. Not even hanging out after the first week. That would make the whole separation exercise worthless. You need to know that after 1 month of not communicating at all (no text messages, phone calls etc.) ...and then meeting up if you still love each other. BUT YOU MUST ALSO MAKE IT CLEAR TO HER BEFORE MOVING OUT THAT IF SHE STILL FEELS THE SAME WAY OR STILL UNDECIDED AFTER 1 MONTH THEN IT MUST END....HOPEFULLY STILL AS FRIENDS.
 
jmxcpter said:
Cavelady, quit torturing the poor guy. It's clear to most of us what's going on because we're men and most of us have seen this routine, either in our own lives or with a close friend who's had it happen. Me personally, I've seen it up close and personal.

It's time for him to stop being manipulated and start doing what's right for him in the long run.

Neko, run, don't walk away and don't look back. A little pain now will save you a lot more in the near future.

John
John, a young lady has become a woman. A very complex species that regardless of Archie Bunkers statement to Edith in "All In The Family" it takes more than 5 minutes to "Change". I think his girlfriend is growing and he isn't. I don't mean that bad Neko, but women have to think fast, no offense. Cindy :(
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top