Girl trouble... advice maybe?

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I'm of a similar mind to most everyone else here. Maybe I'm a cynic but I've never personally known "time apart" to be anything but a charade. except sometimes in a movie. sometimes.

And maybe its neko who has grown and his girlfriend who has not. Obviously men and women are going to see any given situation from different perspectives...

In my opinion neko should tell her exactly how he feels and, if it is not reciprocated, move on- it will make her have to make an immediate decision and not draw it out and cause him unnecessary emotional distress for "a month or so".

No need for time apart. If she needs time after 8 years there is something else going on and neko should not be forced to await his girlfriend's decision.


Time apart is a copout for the times when being direct is too difficult or when there is a relational problem that one party does not want to confront. Or for when there is something to hide. Anything else is, in my opinion, rationalization.
 
roughedges said:
I'm of a similar mind to most everyone else here. Maybe I'm a cynic but I've never personally known "time apart" to be anything but a charade. except sometimes in a movie. sometimes.

And maybe its neko who has grown and his girlfriend who has not. Obviously men and women are going to see any given situation from different perspectives...

In my opinion neko should tell her exactly how he feels and, if it is not reciprocated, move on- it will make her have to make an immediate decision and not draw it out and cause him unnecessary emotional distress for "a month or so".

No need for time apart. If she needs time after 8 years there is something else going on and neko should not be forced to await his girlfriend's decision.


Time apart is a copout for the times when being direct is too difficult or when there is a relational problem that one party does not want to confront. Or for when there is something to hide. Anything else is, in my opinion, rationalization.
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Perfectly put.
 
It is time to move on.

If both of you are on the lease of the place you live it is she who should move out if she wants to end the relationship or change it in such a way. If it is just her name on the lease then she is basically kicking you to the curb with false hope of letting you back in, so you need to protect yourself. If yours is the only name on the lease then she is trying to pull a fast one.

Emotionally, if you love her and she no longer loves you, you need to get away from her as soon as you can and MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. Notice how many times the word YOU appears in that sentence? Time to think about yourself, that is what she is doing.
 
I have to agree with most of what has been said already. Very rarely does "time apart" mean anything other than "its time for you to move on but I dont have the guts to tell you" or she thinks the grass may be greener on the other side but cant stick her head over the fence to see with you living there(I speak from personal experience on this one). If you want to wait a month to see if she comes back thats up to you but at least take the precautions recomended by the others so you dont get burned if things get nasty.
 
Agree 100% w/ all of this good advice from our forumite friends here. Obviously, most of us have been through this before.
Time to go. It sucks, but it's over.
When you get to the end of the book, close the book.
Give her the time/space to move on w/ her life & if/when she gets her stuff together & decides she wants to *work* (that's very important) on a relationship w/ you, check your pockets- because you will have won a couple of major lotteries and been struck by lightning 8 or 10 times- in other words, you will have become a serious statistical anomaly. As QS said, they don't come back from a "test period". No amount of groveling or weepy, late-night declarations of love will change her mind- she may slow the process in an effort to spare your feelings a bit, but as Maximus mentioned, you'll only feel the rope that much more. And in the bargain you'll make an ass of yourself, she'll lose respect for you & you lose self respect as well. You can't/won't win this one. Respect her decision, get all of your paperwork in order, find the strength to move on & make a good life for yourself. Sorry this is happening to you. It hurts like hell.
 
Quiet Storm said:
Do you know of a single case where such a "test period" had a happy ending? I don't.
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Actually, yes. It was my neighbours. I won't go into details but it almost ended in a divorce. Nasty things happened. But after the 'time off' they got back closer and are now going for walks in parks together and doing yucky romantic stuff.

I'm not saying that this is the case with neko but trying it out for a month wouldn't hurt. 30 days investment for an 8 year relationship. He can leave then if he wants to but WHAT IF ALL OF YOU ARE WRONG?

At least if he tries it out he'll find out the real reason she wants the separation. If he doesn't he'll never know. He'll have to live with that for the rest of his life. Everyone here has given advice like they know the woman. Giving her NO benefit of the doubt. Moving on now compared to moving on 30 days later won't make much difference to his suffering.

GIVE HER THE TIME OFF. If she doesn't want to be with you then in 30 days time you'll be a free man. At least in the end you can say you've given her what she wanted (ie time off) and it still didn't work out. But if you move on now, you'll never know will you...
 
Quiet Storm said:
Do you know of a single case where such a "test period" had a happy ending? I don't.
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According to the counselor (who suggested it), it works out quite often. He said that sometimes it takes the absolute risk of losing someone to remind you what's really at stake and to trigger all of the feelings that you've been repressing or that have been obscured.


To all of the other answers so far, I thank you for your honesty and advice. I actually tried the just walk away approach with the last girlfriend. It still hurt like hell and didn't make anything easier. Although I wouldn't have trusted her with any money or anything important. The finances thing is ok this time because I know that she wont shirk responsibility. Nothing that she has done is bad or wrong as a person and she continues to try and work things out in whatever way she can. I understand how hard it is for her because I feel the same way but in the opposite. I want to cling when I feel bad and uncertain and she wants to be alone when she does. It's been this way with both of us as long as we can each remember.
I think that because she wants to go back to school, move and get a different job that I may be mixed up inh her perception of what's wrong and stagnant in her life. She's wanted to do those things for years and I never picked up on how much it meant to her.
I do know her and cheating isn't in her, she really is a solid good person and one of the coolest people i've ever met. I'm willing to risk it so that she can figure out what she needs to be happy and maybe that will be me. Possibly not. I really don't think that I could just walk out and risk a rash decision causing another. My last relationship ended with some bad choices and by the time she came to her senses she had been knocked up by some redneck at a party after too much drugs and booze. I'd rather give things a chance.
I'm hoping that if we do get back together that we can work to actually make a good relationship instead of settling back into the lazy rut we were in for so long.

I do appreciate all of the insight and it's nice to hear from some people who've been through similar stuff.

Hopefully...
 
Point44 said:
Actually, yes. It was my neighbours. I won't go into details but it almost ended in a divorce. Nasty things happened. But after the 'time off' they got back closer and are now going for walks in parks together and doing yucky romantic stuff.

I'm not saying that this is the case with neko but trying it out for a month wouldn't hurt. 30 days investment for an 8 year relationship. He can leave then if he wants to but WHAT IF ALL OF YOU ARE WRONG?

At least if he tries it out he'll find out the real reason she wants the separation. If he doesn't he'll never know. He'll have to live with that for the rest of his life. Everyone here has given advice like they know the woman. Giving her NO benefit of the doubt. Moving on now compared to moving on 30 days later won't make much difference to his suffering.

GIVE HER THE TIME OFF. If she doesn't want to be with you then in 30 days time you'll be a free man. At least in the end you can say you've given her what she wanted (ie time off) and it still didn't work out. But if you move on now, you'll never know will you...
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Thanks for that.
 
You wanted advice, you got it. Point44 seems to be the only one who thinks that the time off method can work (I think Cindy might be joking). You thank him for his words, and that is understandable. He tells you what you want to hear. I'm not saying that Point44 doesn't believe his own advice, just that you will thank everyone who helps you keep your hope.
I know that it's incredibly difficult that the "test period" is the last straw for you. Accepting that this last chance probably isn't a chance at all is even harder. But you got to move on. We can't make that decision for you, but the most of us are convinced that it is the only acceptable way to go.
 
Cindy Denning said:
MEN. we can not live with you and can't live with you...there are always two sides to the story. Neko, are you going to let this woman you love walk out of your life without just breaking down and crying to prove you really love her!? She needs to know it. It can't hurt and maybe you'll finally get down to the truth if you do. Trust me. Women can be absolute suckers for crying men. Cindy aka: Cavelady
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That is the worst advice I’ve ever heard!
Move out and move on. :)
 
Quiet Storm said:
You wanted advice, you got it. Point44 seems to be the only one who thinks that the time off method can work. You thank him for his words, and that is understandable. He tells you what you want to hear. I'm not saying that Point44 doesn't believe his own advice, just that you will thank everyone who helps you keep your hope.
I know that it's incredibly difficult that the "test period" is the last straw for you. Accepting that this last chance probably isn't a chance at all is even harder. But you got to move on. We can't make that decision for you, but the most of us are convinced that it is the only acceptable way to go.
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I don't fault anyone for anything they said. ANd I agree that I'm more likely to want to be reassured than brought to reality but I always stay on the optimistic side of things, it's jsut how I think.

I really do appreciate all of the advice and I know that it'll be here when i need to read it again.

I'm dealing the best I can with all of this and while I like the happier sounding comments, all of them are helping prepare me for whatever the outcome may be.

Thanks again, EVERYONE
 
Neko2 said:
I don't fault anyone for anything they said.
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That was not what I was trying to say although it may have sounded like it.
It just seems that you tolerate but discard many differing opinions just because a single person agrees with your assessment of the situation. I'm not saying that we (those who think that you shouldn't wait for her to return to you) are necessarily correct, but we say it not to make you even sadder, but because we feel it's the best solution for you.

Neko2 said:
[...] but I always stay on the optimistic side of things, it's jsut how I think.
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Sometimes moving on is the optimistic outlook.
 
8 years is a long time, it sounds like she is hesitant because of the bond of your history, not because of the mixed feelings. If she is a decent girl, then she will be guilt tripping and not wanting to hurt you, but she is trying to make an omlet without breaking an egg.
If it felt like someone disembowled you when she said I need a break for a while, thats the ticket to just suck it up and move on. Do as suggested above, call some pals and get some stuff planned for a drink, boys night out, hunting, fishing, whatever floats your boat, just don't fester in 'What if' scenarios in your head. I think most of us have been in that situation. You shouldnt have to work that hard at it, if you do, something is wrong.
 
Neko2 said:
My girlfriend of 8 years has decided I need to move out for a few weeks so she can decide what she wants out of life and our relationship. We arent going to date other people or anything and after the first week we'll hang out and see how things are.

We've been to a couple counseling sessions and all but she really seems to not be comfortable around me in a romantic way. We still get along just fine and she likes to talk and do activities but just doesn't feel the love anymore. She says it's more like we're friends.

I know she isn't cheating because I know her and she wouldn't, plus we've both had that done to us in the past and vowed to never do it to another person.

So my question is: do I just sit by and wait or do I start looking around?
I love her and really want her to stay but fear that she's going to want to leave and i'll get stuck alone and devistated. SInce I have no control over her feelings and everything I've tried to make her happy is just not making it better...

I just dont know what to do.

I posted this here and not in whine and cheese so hopefully I'd get thoughtful and or helpful advice.

Thanks everyone.
N2
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You're getting a very soft letdown & should thank her and vanish from her life completely.
I got a " Dear John " during basic training & was devastated. The only thing that kept me from going over the hill was spending the night on my barracks steps staring at the stockade. I got over it & one of the high points of my young life was running into her after my enlistment was up . She rubbed up to me like a hungry cat & said what a fool she had been. I couldn't remember the classic line from Gone With The Wind but I told her kiss my royal aspidestra . Very satisfying.


Move on because it might become :) nasty.

Uncle Alan
 
Women can be absolute suckers for crying men.
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Oh, how true. Your broken relationship could help you out greatly with the next girl you meet ;)

I would dump her without hesitation, but to be fair, I asked my wife about this situation. Her reply, "Say goodbye."
 
Whatever your decision and whatever happens, you can always come here for a congratulations or consoling from those of us that have BTDT.


Paul
 
Neko2, First, Re-read post #21 (roughegdes's)
Second, Really think about the situation. This very thing happened to me about 3 yrs ago. I was married and when we split, I lost everything. We were the best of friends and in love. Then we started to grow apart. Any sane person would try to hold on to the one he/she loves, but when you start to ignore the way things are heading, you just deepen your own agony. I let my wife go and we remain still friends. Thats a good thing. It's been said time and again, "time heals all wounds"
Third, I hope everything works out for you, whichever way you go.
Walter
 
If you want a more graphic description of what might happen, try this:

When my practice wife and I were young and going together, she needed a little time to herself. There was another guy, but it was over quick and I was "understanding" about the whole mess and took her back because I Loooved her.

Several years later after we were married (too young) she needed some time to think again. This time it was un-recoverable and I ended up in Bankruptcy court. If I'd had the sack to acknowledge what type of person she really was the first time, I could have saved myself a lot of grief and financial ruin that took a decade of diligent work to recover from. I can't imagine what it would have been like if we'd had kids or property to deal with when it finally came apart after she needed a little time that second time.

This is a bad pattern that happens all too often.

John
 
Quiet Storm said:
That was not what I was trying to say although it may have sounded like it..
It just seems that you tolerate but discard many differing opinions just because a single person agrees with your assessment of the situation. I'm not saying that we (those who think that you shouldn't wait for her to return to you) are necessarily correct, but we say it not to make you even sadder, but because we feel it's the best solution for you.



Sometimes moving on is the optimistic outlook.
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That's what i find shocking. How can you feel it's the best solution from what little information you have of the situation. You've not even met this woman and how many of you have met neko. Giving advice to take such drastic actions based on this and ON YOUR OWN experiences is not good advice. Humans are different in every way and your experience may not be the same as his. There is a higher probability that it is going to end with a break up but WHAT IF it was a similar situation to what my neighbours experienced? It's easy for you to say break up since you don't have to live with the WHAT IF for the rest of your life. At least if he took this time off he wouldn't have to live with that question hanging around in his head probably even till he's married to someone else and even has kids.

I agree with everyone in that you must move on but not before you take THIS LAST CHANCE. It is going to be hard but you have 30 days to prepare yourself for a break up. In the end only 2 things will happen. After 30 days you will either be back together or you'll break up. Be prepared for the worse.

I seriously don't understand why is it so important that he move on/break up now and not in 4 weeks time. What's the rush? It's not like it's gonna make it hurt less.

The way i see it. You forget about her for 30 days and you've got 30 days to hang out with friends and go fishing or whatever. Then on the 31st day meet up and decide. Then go your separate ways. Hopefully you'll still be friends. Or maybe you can get her to find you a new gf since she already knows what type of girl you like anyway.

Even Cougar Allen knows of similar situations.
 
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