Girl trouble... advice maybe?

[Cindy Denning]

That is the worst advice I’ve ever heard!
Move out and move on.

Look here buddy,we have seen you in action, know your nature pretty quick, You move out and move on, I mean it in the nicest way.

 

[pcnorton]

That's what i find shocking. How can you feel it's the best solution from what little information you have of the situation. You've not even met this woman and how many of you have met neko. Giving advice to take such drastic actions based on this and ON YOUR OWN experiences is not good advice. Humans are different in every way and your experience may not be the same as his. There is a higher probability that it is going to end with a break up but WHAT IF it was a similar situation to what my neighbours experienced? It's easy for you to say break up since you don't have to live with the WHAT IF for the rest of your life. At least if he took this time off he wouldn't have to live with that question hanging around in his head probably even till he's married to someone else and even has kids.

I agree with everyone in that you must move on but not before you take THIS LAST CHANCE. It is going to be hard but you have 30 days to prepare yourself for a break up. In the end only 2 things will happen. After 30 days you will either be back together or you'll break up. Be prepared for the worse.

I seriously don't understand why is it so important that he move on/break up now and not in 4 weeks time. What's the rush? It's not like it's gonna make it hurt less.

The way i see it. You forget about her for 30 days and you've got 30 days to hang out with friends and go fishing or whatever. Then on the 31st day meet up and decide. Then go your separate ways. Hopefully you'll still be friends. Or maybe you can get her to find you a new gf since she already knows what type of girl you like anyway.

Even Cougar Allen knows of similar situations.

Why not wait the 30 days? It fuels hope and prolongs the heartache. This woman of 8 years has decided she needs to see if she can make it on her own or with someone else and wants the backup of bringing the one she doesn't want now back. Eventually something she thinks is better will come along.

If you love something set it free..if it steps out the door, close it, lock it and shut out the lights. Go out and find a new one.


EDITED TO ADD: WHy this advice when you say you dont have the whole story? Experience.. Why would you give the other advice as you say you don't have the whole story? experience?

Paul

 

[KaBar]

We still get along just fine and she likes to talk and do activities but just doesn't feel the love anymore. She says it's more like we're friends.

I know she isn't cheating because I know her and she wouldn't, plus we've both had that done to us in the past and vowed to never do it to another person.

the same thing happined to us, we both had people cheat on us and dump us in a similar fasion as shes doing you. i NEVER thaught that she would cheat on me but our romance started getting dry and she was never in the mood. her mother called me one day and ratted her out.

it still hurts me and its been a long time. im still furious and sometimes when were out somewhere like the movies and i see him my palms start sweating, i tense up, and my hand goes down to my 630 skirmish, it takes a few seconds for me to snap out of it and think to my self "give it time you will catch him alown some day" he knows im still pissed and advoids any contact. i doubt that id ever act on it but its theraputic just thinking about it.

i remind her every chance that i get if she even glances at another guy ill throw her ass on the street corner as fast as i can.

dont fallow in my footsteps, show up at your apartment with somebody about 10 years younger (or youngest legal age) and throw her **** out the door.

 

[Point44]

the same thing happined to us, we both had people cheat on us and dump us in a similar fasion as shes doing you. i NEVER thaught that she would cheat on me but our romance started getting dry and she was never in the mood. her mother called me one day and ratted her out.

it still hurts me and its been a long time. im still furious and sometimes when were out somewhere like the movies and i see him my palms start sweating, i tense up, and my hand goes down to my 630 skirmish, it takes a few seconds for me to snap out of it and think to my self "give it time you will catch him alown some day" he knows im still pissed and advoids any contact. i doubt that id ever act on it but its theraputic just thinking about it.

i remind her every chance that i get if she even glances at another guy ill throw her ass on the street corner as fast as i can.

dont fallow in my footsteps, show up at your apartment with somebody about 10 years younger (or youngest legal age) and throw her **** out the door.

I don't know how you do it. Staying with a woman that cheated on you. It must always be on your mind what she's doing when you're not around.

 

[Point44]

EDITED TO ADD: WHy this advice when you say you dont have the whole story? Experience.. Why would you give the other advice as you say you don't have the whole story? experience?

Paul

My advice won't result in a lifelong regret. Maybe an extra 30 days of thinking about it but at least he won't have to deal with the question, 'What if i had given her the time off?' for the rest of his life.

I'm basing my advice not really on personal experience but rather on a logical view of the situation that has been presented. I have no personal experience in this type of thing. Just that one solution (majority view) says to break up. That means 100% that he'll end up breaking up with her and it won't lessen any heart ache he'll have. Plus he'll have that question hanging around for the rest of his life.

The other solution is give her what she wants (ie. time off). Worst case scenario. She cheats on him. He dumps her at the end of the 30 days or even before that if he found out about it. Extra 30 days of heartache.

Best case scenario, she decides to go to school and finds out that she really loves neko and was actually confused about how she felt.

Choice 1, MAJORITY CHOICE. Absolutely
no chance of staying together and still heartache. Plus there's the guilty feeling.

Choice 2, TIME OFF CHOICE. Recommended by counselor, proven to work in some situations, and there is a small chance of it working out. Extra 30 days of heart ache if it doesn't. But years of joy and happiness if it does work out.

If he did give her the time off and she did break up with him, then at least he knew that he gave her what she wanted and it still didn't work out.

I'm a scientific kinda guy and i know which one i'll choose. It's like being stuck in a 3/4 storey building on fire. The fire department is nowhere in sight, and you're stuck without a way out except the window. You stay and 100% you're gonna die. You jump, there's a large probability you'll die from the fall. But there's also a very small chance you won't. Which would you choose? I'd say a small chance is better than nothing.

Damn that's a bad example.

 

[djolney]

There seems to be an assumption here that after 30 days the relationship will be back on or over. What about the third option: that after 30 days there will be more agonizing indecision and uncertainty. Someone has to be decisive, and moving out for thirty days will give you time to prepare to be decisive.

 

[Ookpik]

Look here buddy,we have seen you in action, know your nature pretty quick, You move out and move on, I mean it in the nicest way.

I’m sorry if I offended you, Cindy. I still think your advice was poor. Crying to get what you want sometimes works for women. It almost never works for men. I realized that when I was about four years old.
I think Neko2 should move out, move on, and not look back. I don’t trust a girl who is unsure of her feelings. I speak from personal experience. What if the next time she becomes unsure and wants to separate, they have two children?

 

[Quiet Storm]

Giving advice to take such drastic actions based on this and ON YOUR OWN experiences is not good advice.

Well, then nobody's qualified to advise him and this thread is pointless.

 

[tallpaul]

8 years is a long time... we tend to stop doing all the things that attracted the ladies to us in the first place. We essentially stop "dating" we get busy with life. Ladies are responders- they were created that way. If we take care of thier nneds thay WILL take care of ours. I mean I have alot of guy friends and we get along fine but I don't want romance with them, heck I have some women friends I treat the same. But we treat the opposite sex different when we "want them" and it is new and then tend to let that die... there is a difference between treating her decent and friendly and as if she is the most important thing in your life. Those are general things- I would guess that the "why buy the cow when I get the milk for free" plays a part in it too... most women want to be married unless they are just using you from the start and you say girlfriend of 8 years. Now I personally feel that unless you have a relationship with God and she does too and He is not first in both your lives and included in the marriage that eventually your in doo doo- I mean it is hard enough with Him. Also love is Not a feeling- it is a choice,if you go just by butterflies you will be disappoited...
now having said all that do NOT become a doormat for her frustrations use your head and do not ignore the facts...

as far as the not knowing how someone can forgive an indescretion - if you are mature enough to realize that usually that it is a result of a need not being met then you can get over it when you combine it with forgiveness. We all screw up and if we can correct the original problem and forgive sometimes the marriage can even be stronger. Most start because someone other than our significant other starts to pay us compliments, treats us like we USED to be treated by our spouse. It is not too hard to pass on an opportunity to cheat when you are getting what you need from a spouse or significant. If things are rough at home, someone else starts to fill that void and we let ourselves "grow farther from" our partner then it is then only a matter of time. Forgiveness when done right is one powerful tool. It is a big one in Gods kingdom and one that is rarely practiced as God created it. If we forgive as God designed then we don't bring it back up in arguments later etc. It is hard as a human to execute but if all we can do is live in our past we will never become who we were created to be- both as singles and couples.

 

[KaBar]

I don't know how you do it. Staying with a woman that cheated on you. It must always be on your mind what she's doing when you're not around.

to tell you the truth i cant do it, my mind is messed up bad. im constantly depressed, i cant sleep, and i cant eat. over the last few months ive droped 40 lbs. im verry awair as to what shes doing and who shes talking to. there are nights that i dont want to live. i dont tell her though, i want her to be happy.

 

[pcnorton]

My advice won't result in a lifelong regret.

LOL, How do you know? I gave someone the time and regret it to this day. She had made up her mind but didn't have the "guts" to end it.

I do not give a test period with my heart after you have it, you either want it or not. Its too valuable to piss away on someone that is not sure and needs time. To give someone time devalues me and mine. I will never do that again.


Paul

 

[pcnorton]

to tell you the truth i cant do it, my mind is messed up bad. im constantly depressed, i cant sleep, and i cant eat. over the last few months ive droped 40 lbs. im verry awair as to what shes doing and who shes talking to. there are nights that i dont want to live. i dont tell her though, i want her to be happy.

I feel for you are stuck between a rock (your head) and a soft place (your heart). You do neither of yourselves a favor going on the way you are.There are several books out there that if you really want to make it ago can really help. I gave one to a friend (similar situation as you)and he said it helped. He still has his moments. Its a lot of work to recover after infidelity.

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful



Paul

 

[jsmatos]

Wow, eight years is a long time...

I'm just wondering which one of you was the standout. Did the discussion of marriage never come up? I think that your viewpoints on marriage and/or long-term commitments might shed some light on the problem.

I find it really difficult to give advice in situations like this one because I don't really have a clear understanding of the parties commitment to the relationship. As a married woman, I've often thought of our problems in terms of "How are we going to make it through this lifetime together. What will it take?" Obviously, I ask those questions because it's part of my life's plan. What is your life plan Neko? What was your girlfriend's? If your plan was to be together through thick and thin for a lifetime, then this is a part of the commitment. Nowadays, people think that if their relationship suffers for a few months that it's time to throw in the towel. I think it takes a whole hell of a lot of work to make it through a lifetime with someone even if there is a lot of love there. If you were married, then I could at least accept that at some point in time, the two of you made a commitment to each other. But, in this situation, I can't possibly know. Did you talk about long-term? If not, then it seems that the two of you were living on borrowed time. You were committed to the good times. And that time, for her, has passed.

A lifetime commitment is taken with the understanding that it's not always going to be a breathless romance. Sometimes you might feel like nothing more than friends. Sometimes you might feel like complete strangers who are speaking different languages. It is during those very times that your commitment may be all you have to keep it together. In some instances, those times can last a long time. You have to work back through it.

I've seen couples in my family stick together through incredibly difficult times. In some instances those times went on for years. Then, I've seen others who threw in the towel after months. In every instance, the couples who stuck it through came out on the other side better than the ones who left. There's a LOT to be said for that kind of commitment. They'll look back on it and appreciate that they valued each other enough to work through it.

I'm not saying that everyone should stay together under all circumstances. That would be rediculous. But, as I see it, in order to give an opinion on your situation I'd have to know what kind of commitment you guys had to each other. I don't see one. I could be wrong. But, if I'm not, then it seems that the window has closed on your time together. Neko, you deserve someone who loves you enough to commit to you for the long haul. Someone who you want to commit to as well. Perhaps, she's not the one.

Then again, perhaps everything I just wrote is a bunch of gobblygook that's completely nonsensical. Sometimes, I can't tell anymore...

 

[Neko2]

Wow, eight years is a long time...

I'm just wondering which one of you was the standout. Did the discussion of marriage never come up? I think that your viewpoints on marriage and/or long-term commitments might shed some light on the problem.

I find it really difficult to give advice in situations like this one because I don't really have a clear understanding of the parties commitment to the relationship. As a married woman, I've often thought of our problems in terms of "How are we going to make it through this lifetime together. What will it take?" Obviously, I ask those questions because it's part of my life's plan. What is your life plan Neko? What was your girlfriend's? If your plan was to be together through thick and thin for a lifetime, then this is a part of the commitment. Nowadays, people think that if their relationship suffers for a few months that it's time to throw in the towel. I think it takes a whole hell of a lot of work to make it through a lifetime with someone even if there is a lot of love there. If you were married, then I could at least accept that at some point in time, the two of you made a commitment to each other. But, in this situation, I can't possibly know. Did you talk about long-term? If not, then it seems that the two of you were living on borrowed time. You were committed to the good times. And that time, for her, has passed.

A lifetime commitment is taken with the understanding that it's not always going to be a breathless romance. Sometimes you might feel like nothing more than friends. Sometimes you might feel like complete strangers who are speaking different languages. It is during those very times that your commitment may be all you have to keep it together. In some instances, those times can last a long time. You have to work back through it.

I've seen couples in my family stick together through incredibly difficult times. In some instances those times went on for years. Then, I've seen others who threw in the towel after months. In every instance, the couples who stuck it through came out on the other side better than the ones who left. There's a LOT to be said for that kind of commitment. They'll look back on it and appreciate that they valued each other enough to work through it.

I'm not saying that everyone should stay together under all circumstances. That would be rediculous. But, as I see it, in order to give an opinion on your situation I'd have to know what kind of commitment you guys had to each other. I don't see one. I could be wrong. But, if I'm not, then it seems that the window has closed on your time together. Neko, you deserve someone who loves you enough to commit to you for the long haul. Someone who you want to commit to as well. Perhaps, she's not the one.

Then again, perhaps everything I just wrote is a bunch of gobblygook that's completely nonsensical. Sometimes, I can't tell anymore...

Both of us have gone through periods where we were unhappy with the relationship and I'm honestly not sure if it was doomed from the start or if after the initial excitement wore off... we did nothing and hoped it would fix itself. We still get along great and laugh and interact. She calls me from work and sends me text messages and such...

I really think that it was a lazy waste of opportunity on our parts and my ultimate hope is to continue with the advice of a counselor and try to fix the mistakes we've made. Hopefully she'll feel the same way.

We had both brought up marriage and other important life issues but I think that both of us were afraid of rocking the boat so we never really made an issue of anything. There were things that we both wanted but didn't stress so that we wouldn't upset the other person. I look back and see what I wish I had seen at the time, before everything blew up like it has.

I think that somewhere along the way the feeling was lost and both of us were to afraid to admit it. I'm not sure where we go from here and neither is she. She's just as afraid of losing me as I am her but we agree that it's no good to either of us if she's unhappy.

She has dealt with depression and a thyroid disorder (also causes depression) for all of our relationship and most of her life. I don't know how much of that is affecting the situation either.

I've also struggled at times with the relationship and if it was what I truly wanted out of life... But at the same time I don't want to let it end without making sure. I've always been willing but with communication being nearly nonexistent...

Ahh, I ramble.

Back to work for me.

 

[djolney]

She is having to deal with depression and a thyroid problem, and you haven't been communicating effectively. Why do you think you can communicate effectively now when you couldn't do it while things were easy?

 

[Neko2]

She is having to deal with depression and a thyroid problem, and you haven't been communicating effectively. Why do you think you can communicate effectively now when you couldn't do it while things were easy?

Actually she has dealt with both of those in the past few months... It was the majority of the relationship before then where those were an issue. Also going to a relationship counselor would be a good step toward communication I'd think.

N2

 

[shappa]

Neko2,

you've asked for advice, and recieved it.
Say "thank you" and take it or not...don't try to justify actions or inaction to us...we're not there... and no matter how much you describe the situation and feelings something is going to be left out...mostly her side.

Good luck to you both.

 

[jiminy]

Dude, I think you already know the answer, as others have said. If the girl really loved you, she would never even dream of asking you to 'step off' so she can 'find herself' for a while. It's bs, plain and simple. Now, everyone who's been thru this before can attest that it is painful to realize this, accept it, and move on.

As to how to go about it ...trust me, 'crying' about it to her isn't the answer, despite what chicks may claim. Hold your head up high and leave with your dignity intact, for cripes sake. And don't look back. If she really made 'a mistake' and wants to get back together ...she'll call you ....but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that to happen. And even if it did happen, I'd seriously doubt the sincerity of it ...as it'd more than likely be a move for her to get back into something that was 'comfortable', as opposed to loving. And for cripes sake don't call her ...ever. It just makes you look 'wimpy' ..or a 'stalker', take your pick.

There are plenty of other fine girls out there. Throw this one back.

 

[sunnyd]

Neko2,

you've asked for advice, and recieved it.
Say "thank you" and take it or not...don't try to justify actions or inaction to us...we're not there... and no matter how much you describe the situation and feelings something is going to be left out...mostly her side.

Good luck to you both.

Ditto! Thanx for reading my mind.

 

[Danelle O'Shea]

Women hate a doormat.

You've got to open the door and let her see that she is free to leave, but that you won't be sitting by the phone waiting for her.

And even if you ARE sitting by the phone you've GOT to act as if you aren't. If she calls, say "I really want to talk, but I'm busy, can you call me back in two hours?" if she wants to meet, you "already have plans, sorry". You give no other information other than BUSY and PLANS.

Don't do this EVERYtime she calls but if you do it SOMEtimes, she will wonder what the hell you're up to and if there's any chance of reconciliation, she'll be on your doorstep to initiate it.

I guarantee this method.