Mine wasn't much for wise sayings, but he did give good advice. He also told some great jokes. His favorite, that I love sharing and have added my own twist on through the years:
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he pulls an octopus out of his pocket and sits it on the bar. The bartender is, understandably, confused.
"What's the deal with the octopus?", he asks.
"Oh he's my pet, Harry. I've trained him to play instruments.", replies the man.
"Bullshit," says the bartender, "octopi can't play instruments."
"Tell you what, I'll bet you my drink that he can.", counters the man.
The bar has quite a few bands come in and play so there are a few stray instruments behind the bar. The bartender spots a trumpet and says, "You're on." as he pulls the trumpet from behind the bar and lays it on top.
The octopus crawls over to it and a few seconds later is putting Dizzy Gillespie to shame.
"I'll be damned," says the bartender, "I guess that one is on the house."
The guy finishes his drink as the octopus finishes his solo.
"Want another?", asks the bartender.
"Sure, tell you what, you keep them coming and if you can come up with an instrument Harry can't play, I'll pay double the tab, but if he can play them all, I drink for free tonight."
"Why not, we've got a few more and it's not every day you see a musical octopus.", replies the bartender.
For the next couple of hours the octopus plays the maracas, then a trombone, plays a hell of a drum solo on a snare drum, and finally the tambourine.
The guy seems like he's getting ready to leave when the bartender has a flash of memory.
"Wait right here, I've got one more!", he says as he heads for the office.
He comes back with a huge grin on his face and produces a set of bagpipes.
He lays it on the bar, and Harry crawls over to it and they wait. Nothing happens for a few minutes.
***Then the octopus starts to wrestle with the bagpipes, all along the bar, then onto a barstool and then across the floor.***
"Ha!", exclaims the bartender. "Pay up, he can't play it!"
"Give him a minute, as soon as he figures out he can't screw it, he'll play it!"