I have a funny feeling I'm getting dumped.

Status
Not open for further replies.
munk said:
Phil- I'd end it on her terms. If she wanted to try a real relationship I would skeptically listen, anyway. But remember what I said about dashed hopes.

I've a friend who owns a boat, a beachfront home in the Puget Sound, an independent income, and has a job fitting the rural area he always wanted to live in. He is in various dating services and reports this:

The women 30 to 45 all want incomes 5 times their own. They demand a man who is at least 5'10" and good looking. They have the "gold plated pussy' complex, and often are carrying several kids as part of the deal. My friend is 5' 7" I think, I'm not really sure, as I don't think of people by height. (unless it's Rusty, of course- just kidding!!!!)

He refuses to list his income. He could accept kids, but is afraid the golddiggers will find him. He is also not dating. His new plan is to volunteer for a local election group, hopefully meeting people.

munk

Ladies with kids from previous marriage bring along baggage that can be no end of trouble. Phil, you are young enough to be able snag a lady who isn't on the rebound from a bad marriage.

By the way, second time marriages have higher failure rates than first time marriages. And, always remember there are two sides to every divorce. I rarely met a divorced man whose ex-wife wasn't the Devil Bitch incarnate, and I rarely met a divorced woman whose ex-husband wasn't the Devil himself.

I wonder why that is................

In case I'm being too obtuse - I wonder what the spouses of those divorced folks would say about their spouses who I just met.

Don
 
philthygeezer said:
Thanks for everything guys. From my heart. I notice that there are a lot of new names around since I posted here all the time, but the older ones are still here, and the atmosphere hasn't changed a bit: the people here could lead humanity into the future.

She cried in my arms last night and told me how sorry she was that she had said those things the night before. She thinks we are back on again, so I didn't mess with that.

Instead I told her about all the wonderful things that would happen to her if she kicked ass and completed her degree.

For me, IF this is to go absolutely anywhere, she is going to have to proclaim my name to the heavens as the man she wants to be with, and has to tell her friends to go suck an egg. She is also going to have to admit she can't mold me to whatever fanciful Phil concept she's got.

Also, if there is no sexual attraction, and she keeps me at hand-holding distance, then we really are just friends. As friends, she will have to pay her own way, and I get to date other people. In fact, right now I only think of her as a friend, since she doesn't seem to want the intimacy part.

I'm looking for indications that her attitudes have changed. I'm ready to dump her to the 'friend' level right now. I'm tired of her crap: she has one chance to make this right. I have a sneaking suspicion that she thinks she now has all the control in the relationship, and I'll do whatever she wants. What she doesn't know is that she is going to get her ass dumped at the first sign of any manipulation.

In summary:
1. Above all, she will respect me.
2. She can't hide me any more, regardless.
3. If she doesn't want me physically, then we are friends, not lovers.
4. She will not try to make me into something her friends might like.
5. She will like me unconditionally.

If one of these is not met, she is toast.

Phil, one thing I'd like to offer and I know it might sound weird, but don't be too hung up on the sex thing. Don't be in too big a hurry to get it on. After living nearly five decades now and looking at the lives of thousands of people older, same age and younger than me, I can honestly say that having sex too soon seldom makes a relationship better, and many times makes it worse.

The human being is an odd critter. For many of them, perhaps most of them, an emotional change is triggered inside once they share a sex act. A level of depth and intensity and committment somehow gets implied into the mix when in fact there may be nothing more going on than sexual infatuation.

It's uncool to even suggest that pre-marital sex is a bad thing - first thing that happens is you get ridiculed by the "hip" folks or condemned as being a right-wing Christian fanatic, because after all, "we" can handle it, or "it's only sex" or whatever.

The fact is human beings are complex creatures and half the time most folks don't have the slightest idea what is motivating them from one moment to the next, but in most cases it is simply greed. Greed for what feels good, greed for having whatever it is they want and wanting it now, greed for being in control, greed for not having anyone control them, you name it.

Phil, there are a host of ways for people to demonstrate their committed love to each other without a sex act. But for some reason people seem to think that you can't have love without sex. I'm speaking pre-maritally now. Love without sex after the wedding ceremony is a serious problem.

I guess what I am saying is, sex, if had too early in a relationship does a terrific job of camouflaging some serious personality and value problems.

Just something to think about. I know what I wrote is not the most popular opinion anywhere. In fact, I think having sex with a hooker before marriage is almost better than sex with a partner before marriage. At least with the hooker both of you know the situation up front. There's no pretenses or mind games or opportunities for misunderstanding or misconceptions (double meaning intended here). Just make sure it is SAFE sex with the hookers. Or anyone for that matter. Illegitimate kids and diseases always complicates things.

Don
 
munk said:
Phil, the honesty you showed impressed me very much. For what it's worth, you've been raised in the interior of munk's celestial order of things, people and events.



munk

Thank you very much. :cool:
 
This is a great thread. IMO, Mr. Nelson gives good advice, thank you :) .

Whenever I have a problem, in a relationship or otherwise, I go to God in prayer. It always makes me feel better afterward. Read the Bible, it gives good advice. And try not to worry too much about what happens next, or if a relationship looks like it may end, etc. "Worrying about tomorrow keeps you from doing your best today." It's tough, I know :( but ya gotta be strong. Don't be afraid to ask God for a little help. Good luck.

-Philip
 
I dunno.

My ex-wife is a nice lady. She remarried a home-repair fanatic; they are well-matched. She's sarcastic, but so am I. We made ten years and two kids together. That was enough. But she's ok.


Revenge or anger is a corrosive. It helps nothing in your spirit, and hollows out parts of you which could be more well occupied with living. Yesterday is yesterday.


Kis
\

(Edit to add: I have never been as lonely alone, as I was at times in my marriage.)
 
Diamond Cut II said:
This is a great thread. IMO, Mr. Nelson gives good advice, thank you :) .

Whenever I have a problem, in a relationship or otherwise, I go to God in prayer. It always makes me feel better afterward. Read the Bible, it gives good advice. And try not to worry too much about what happens next, or if a relationship looks like it may end, etc. "Worrying about tomorrow keeps you from doing your best today." It's tough, I know :( but ya gotta be strong. Don't be afraid to ask God for a little help. Good luck.

-Philip

I'm not much for reading Bibles or any holy book really, but I am a praying sonuvagun.

I pray to God several times a day. Most of my prayers are for wisdom, clarity of vision, clarity of thought, and for the strength and courage to do the things that are right.

Strangely enough, I almost always feel better, more relaxed, more resiliant after I've prayed. I went for a period of months about a year ago where I just got so busy, so stressed, and so angry - constantly angry every day for hours at a stretch - that I just quite simply forgot to pray. When it dawned on me that I hadn't prayed in months, I started doing what I used to do - pray every night just before falling asleep (it DOES make me sleep better), and first thing in the morning when I wake up. And several times during the day when I hear, see or read something that affects me in some way.

Prayer helps me a lot. I'd encourage others to pray too. It doesn't have to be within the arena of a formalized religion, though many people find that helps them define their boundaries.

And if I may be so bold - prayer helps a lot too, when one doesn't pray to God to pull their bacon out of the fire, but instead for help in seeing the opportunities before us, and for courage to act on those opportunities.

Don
 
Don Nelson said:
The human being is an odd critter. For many of them, perhaps most of them, an emotional change is triggered inside once they share a sex act. A level of depth and intensity and committment somehow gets implied into the mix when in fact there may be nothing more going on than sexual infatuation. Don
Yep, brings to mind one of the universal truths.....

"Women want a relationship, men want recreational sex." :D
 
The ex's thing; when a relationship falls apart, both parties are dehumanized- the way it is with people. We dehumanize a person right before we hurt them.

Then there is the end of fantasy or role playing-
A woman marries a jerk and is angry to find he's a jerk. A guy marries a sexy gold digger and is angry to find she's a souless opportunist. To a far less extent normal people exagerate the faults of the other- that is all they see- if the good stuff was there, they wouldn't be breaking up.




munk
 
munk said:
Then there is the end of fantasy or role playing-
A woman marries a jerk and is angry to find he's a jerk. A guy marries a sexy gold digger and is angry to find she's a souless opportunist. To a far less extent normal people exagerate the faults of the other- that is all they see- if the good stuff was there, they wouldn't be breaking up.

munk

What's sad is that most of the time, the greatest majority of the time, there are ample warning signs about those personality traits all during the dating process, but they are hard to see through the haze of "puppy love" and sexual infatuation. And people never outgrow suffering the effects of puppy love, no matter how old they get.

It's human nature.

Don
 
philthygeezer said:
In summary:
1. Above all, she will respect me.
2. She can't hide me any more, regardless.
3. If she doesn't want me physically, then we are friends, not lovers.
4. She will not try to make me into something her friends might like.
5. She will like me unconditionally.

If one of these is not met, she is toast.


6. Nightly banging. ;)

Seriously if you are only 31 and she can hold off having sex for that long that's not someone I'd want to be with in 15 years. You'd never get ANY!
Better to seek almost a nymphomaniac now so you can guantee quality sex for years to "come" ;)
 
Interesting stuff written here on the mysteries of women.

Coincidentally, I have just now run across the following information eleswhere on the 'net, and will shamelessly repost it here:

What Women Find Attractive.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his butt while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.


I'm about the last person on earth or elsewhere who should venture to comment on this topic, but the following is apparent even to shy, bumbling, ignorant me.

Getting hung on someone who is ashamed to be with you instead of proud to be with you is masochistic. If you establish that's the real story, I say bail post-haste, because unlikely as it sounds now, it is almost certain that purposely or not, she'll say or do something that will make you feel even worse. On a regular basis.

Some who are unfortunate enough who marry such a person eventually come to believe that their spouse is correct to be ashamed of them, and then are truely lost. The correct term for that is consensual abuse.

If you think a moment, you'll realize that you know the correct term(s) for a woman who treats others in such a fashion.
 
Semper Fi said:
"Women want a relationship, men want recreational sex."

My wife and I got together because we both wanted recreational sex.
Our relationship developed over time, forged in the fires of sexual passion. Now, years later when the fires of passion have turned to glowing embers kept warm by shared experiences, our relationship is stronger than ever.
 
That sounds pretty good, Benaround. They practised making babies until they got it right.





munk
 
munk said:
Do you have children, Ben?

Yes. I had two daughters. One died young, the other one is currently teaching Anthropology in Indiana and working on her PhD.

I love being a father, but honestly, the "Family Years" was the hardest and most stressful time of my life.
 
That's probably why I'm more screwed up than usual. I'm 48 years old, still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, (unless it's a writer) and am a stay at home dad with three small sons. I've no family in the area and am surruounded by natural beauty and ignorant gossips. But hey?!


I'm sorry about the loss of your daughter.
I married a PHD. I can't say it helped me much. But the folks coming over for dinner always mind their Ps and Q's; they're afraid my wife will, 'analyse' them. I'm the one they should watch out for.


munk
 
All I can say is I've been there. High school was hell for me in this regard. I was 24 before I had anyone that could remotely be called a girlfriend, and she proceeded to tear my guts out pretty thoroughly with two different guys in my face at the same time over a 10 month period.

Met my wife on the rebound and realized that something inside me had changed. She was dark skinned and pretty but not the overtly beautiful 10+ sexpot that I thought I had to have. For once I had met someone who was more calm and serene and beautiful on the inside than anyone I had ever known. At first I found her to be one of the most quiet and seemingly odd women I had ever met, but I had the good sense to shut up and just talk to her, rather than simply trying to get her into the sack (which had been my original selfish plan of course.)

Her family is American Indian (or ndn as Yvsa would say), and her grandfather still spoke Blackfoot from time to time (until he died about 18 years ago just shy of his 100th b-day.) Technically her family is Flathead ndn and Blackfoot with a bunch of French thrown in on her Dad's side because many of the Indian women intermarried with trappers way back when.

In any case, she is just absolutely spiritually at peace with herself, and ended up being the perfect counterbalance to my somewhat Type A personality. We just celebrated our 20th together, so I know miracles do happen.

Just hang in there no matter what, don't automatically dismiss someone no matter how different they appear at first, and someone will find you.

Best regards,

Norm
 
Svashtar said:
All I can say is I've been there. High school was hell for me in this regard. I was 24 before I had anyone that could remotely be called a girlfriend, and she proceeded to tear my guts out pretty thoroughly with two different guys in my face at the same time over a 10 month period.

Met my wife on the rebound and realized that something inside me had changed. She was dark skinned and pretty but not the overtly beautiful 10+ sexpot that I thought I had to have. For once I had met someone who was more calm and serene and beautiful on the inside than anyone I had ever known. At first I found her to be one of the most quiet and seemingly odd women I had ever met, but I had the good sense to shut up and just talk to her, rather than simply trying to get her into the sack (which had been my original selfish plan of course.)

Her family is American Indian (or ndn as Yvsa would say), and her grandfather still spoke Blackfoot from time to time (until he died about 18 years ago just shy of his 100th b-day.) Technically her family is Flathead ndn and Blackfoot with a bunch of French thrown in on her Dad's side because many of the Indian women intermarried with trappers way back when.

In any case, she is just absolutely spiritually at peace with herself, and ended up being the perfect counterbalance to my somewhat Type A personality. We just celebrated our 20th together, so I know miracles do happen.

Just hang in there no matter what, don't automatically dismiss someone no matter how different they appear at first, and someone will find you.

Best regards,

Norm

Hey, Norm. Was in a similar situation myself. My eventual-wife was not the most stunning looking woman I ever met. But she was definitely pretty. But what attracted me most to her was her kindness.

Yes, her kindness. A trait that has come in so very handy in the thirty years I've known her, and the 24 years we've been married.

It also helped that she was warm, friendly, smart, honest, and hard-working with a level head on her shoulders. A week doesn't go by that I don't thank God for convincing her to marry me. I think I am worthy of her now. Looking back on it, I was not worthy of her when we married. She must have seen something in me to make her take the chance.

Don
 
That's why I reiterate becoming friends with yourself and good company for yourself in solitude. When that happens, you become "transparent" i.e., what you see is what you get. Let your decency, lovingkindness, and humility show and your happiness in being whom you are becomes magnetic - it draws others of like kind - be they male or female.

Uncle Bill, Yvsa and Munk are my brothers in that sense. My wife and I must have seen the potential in each other and grown together from there. Not the "make each other into something else" kind of thing mentioned above.

I've found myself in the avatar above: it is a Shoshone Rose, but it is also a "blue" rose. I've let heartbreak allow my soul to blossom into full bloom just the same.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top