I've heard of elephant jokes but duck jokes?

T. Erdelyi

T. Erdelyi

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Feb 3, 2001
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A Duck Joke

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any freakin' bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any freakin' bread, ask me
again and I'll nail your freakin' beak to the bar you irritating freakin' bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?:eek:
 
A duck walks into a pharmacy, and asks for Chapstick. The cashier says, "Cash or check?" and the duck says, "Just put it on my bill."
 
T. Erdelyi said:
I've heard of elephant jokes but duck jokes?
Click to expand...

Duck jokes evolved from forest fire and elephant jokes:

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stomping out forest fires
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stomping out flaming ducks........


On the other hand, Smokey the bear jokes never quite took off

Q: Why can't Smokey the Bear have any kids??
A: Every time his wife gets hot, he beats with a shovel.....



Back to ducks:

Two monsters went duck-hunting with their dogs but without success. "I know what we're doing wrong," said the first one. "What's that then?" asked the second. "We're not throwing the dogs high enough!"


There was a bartender who owned a duck who danced on a tin box. He sold it to one of his patrons who phoned him later asking how to make him stop. He replied "Open the tin and blow out the candles!


A woman walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey where'd you get the pig?"
The women says "This isn't a pig it's a duck"
and the bartender says "No, I was talking to the duck!"


A duck walks into a bar and says to the bar tender "I'll have a beer".
The bartender says "Hey! where did you come from?"
The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street".
And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?"
And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?"


Q: How do you make a duck sing?
A: Put it in the oven till it's Bill Withers

Q: Why don't you ever bring a duck with you into the washroom?
A: Because it might be a "Peking".....:rolleyes:



There! Aren't you glad you asked.......

:D
J
 
my favorite:

You know how ducks fly south for the winter, in a "V" pattern? did youever notice that there one side is longer than the other? you know why?
























there's more ducks on that side.
 
And a first grade favorite:

What happens to a duck if it flies upside down?














It quacks up.
 
Three guys went to heaven, Jim, Billy, and Kenny. They were told never kiss a duck or something bad will happen. So one day Jim comes walking by Billy and Kenny with the most uglyest girl on handcuffed to him. They said "Jim what happend to you?" and he said "I kissed a duck". The next day Billy came walking by Jim and Kenny with the most uglyest girl handcuffed to his hand. They said "Billy what happend?" he said " I kissed a duck". The next day Kenny comes walking with the MOST bueatful girl handcuffed to his hand and Jim and Billy said "WOW! how?? what happend?" he said " she kissed a duck..."

02-1007.GIF




Joke: Lawyer, Farmer and the Duck

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the stupid duck."
 
As much as I like duck jokes my favorite is still parrot jokes.
Here's one someone sent me today.

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate. "Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!" Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. "Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya! know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."



The reason I find parrot jokes so amusing is that I have two African Grey Parrots. Just now as I'm reading my email one of my birds Jaco flies from his cage and lands on the coffee table. There's a stack of poker chips on the table and he starts playing with them, that's not a problem he plays with the all the time. I go back to reading my mail and as soon as I turn my head I hear a Plunk. I look at my cup of coffee and see a slight ripple. I said, "Jaco, did you drop a chip into my coffee? and he replies, "Right!"

I swear this is true.

This is Jaco.

86545067.jpg
 
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