Knife jokes

Joseph Bandeko

Joseph Bandeko

Knifemaker / Craftsman / Service Provider
Joined
Dec 9, 2021
Messages
1,355
Hey y'all, I thought it fitting to start this thread on April fools...

So does anyone have any jokes related to knives?

Here's a few
Today I saw two blind guys fighting, Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

Quickest way to a mans heart is through his fourth and fifth rib.

My grandfather used to say "never bring a knife to a gunfight" He was right. The paintball arena banned me for life.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago, Since then, my mugging attempts have been far more successful.
 
I was at some local event and the opening of the event dragged on to no end and nothing happening ever, as usual, actually. Well, to hell with it, I don't care that much, I usually have a flask of good whisky to overbridge these kind of boring moments. Unfortunately, my flask was empty on this evening (bad, bad, prepper...). So, I just chose to pull out an apple, peel it and munch it while in the wait. I had barely unfolded my very social folder that a huge chunk of a security guard loomed over me and asserted "No knives allowed here, SIR !". Well, fuck me sideways, but I answered "How in the fuck do you expect me to eat this fucking apple with my rotten teeth ?" He wasn't understanding, at all. He said "Do you need me to help you ?". I said "No thanks. Forget it." Put the apple back in my pocket and wished the bastard to hell. Out of sheer rage, I went home and had a heartfelt meeting with the Jameson bottle. Cool night in the rocking chair on the porch, the moon was shining, the bats were chasing mosquitoes (as they are supposed to do) and all was well again.
 
A guy walks in Doctors Office with knife sticking out of his back.
”Doctor, would you please help me, I’m dying!!!”
Doc: “Well, I’d love to help you but it is 4:30pm and my Office actually works with patients till 4…”
‘Patient: “God ! You not going to let me die, are you ?!”
Doc:” Oh, I’m not, of course, let me think what I can do…”
‘He pulls the knife out of guys back and sticks it in hie eye…
‘Doc: “Here, the eye surgeon Dr Perkins two doors down works till 5:30, hurry up, you still have time…”
 
herisson said:
a huge chunk of a security guard loomed over me and asserted "No knives allowed here, SIR !"
Click to expand...
“Well then, why don’t I just borrow your knife? Here, take a snort from my flask of whiskey.”

“What? You can’t be much of a security guard if you don’t have a knife.”

“Oh, you do have a knife. Yours is okay, but mine is prohibited?”

“What about a gun, do you have a gun? What kind of security guard doesn’t have a gun?”

“Okay, if in the course of taking away my hypocritically prohibited knife you assault me, and I defend myself with my gun, will that enhance or detract from the security of the event, your reason for being here?”

Much fun to be had here.

Parker
 
Last edited:
catspa said:
“Well then, why don’t I just borrow your knife? Here, take a snort from my flask of whiskey.”

“What? You can’t be much of a security guard if you don’t have a knife.”

“Oh, you do have a knife. Yours is okay, but mine is prohibited?”

“What about a gun, do you have a gun? What kind of security guard doesn’t have a gun?”

“Okay, if in the course of taking away my hypocritically prohibited knife you assault me, and I defend myself with my gun, will that enhance or detract from the security of the event, your reason for being here?”

Much fun to be had here.

Parker
Click to expand...
After those exchanges: he gets fitted for custom matching wrist bracelets...
 
catspa said:
“Well then, why don’t I just borrow your knife? Here, take a snort from my flask of whiskey.”

“What? You can’t be much of a security guard if you don’t have a knife.”

“Oh, you do have a knife. Yours is okay, but mine is prohibited?”

“What about a gun, do you have a gun? What kind of security guard doesn’t have a gun?”

“Okay, if in the course of taking away my hypocritically prohibited knife you assault me, and I defend myself with my gun, will that enhance or detract from the security of the event, your reason for being here?”

Much fun to be had here.

Parker
Click to expand...
An "A" for imagination. Knife nuts should love your novels.
 
A guy walks into a bar dressed in Knight's armor, and carrying a sword...
The beertender looks up and says,
"What is this: some kind of JOKE?"
 
A knife walks into a bar with a piece of string. The bartender looks up and says “we don’t serve string here!”

The knife and the string go around the corner they tangle the strings neck and mess up his hair. Then walk back into the bar.

The bartender says “I thought I told you we don’t serve string here!”

The string looks him in the eye and says “I’m a fraid knot”
 
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