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MAXIMUNDO - Son of a Son of a Friend's Sister's Exactimundo

Discussion in 'For Sale: Fixed Blades' started by Matthew Gregory, Dec 23, 2017.

  1. Matthew Gregory

    Matthew Gregory Chief Executive in charge of Entertainment

    Jan 12, 2005
    Can you believe it? Another year, time for another polished turd!!!!

    I'm Matt Gregory. I've been a member of the Bladeforums community for twelve years, which guarantees that almost every position I have on knives, knifemaking, and life in general has been skewed and distorted to the point where nothing I say or do can possibly hold any merit. To prove this, I offer a single, exquisite knife, every year around the holidays, so some poor bastard can be fleeced of some hard-earned dough whilst the rest of us laugh at them.

    I should probably mention right now that I feel we've let something slip from our culture by not using words like 'whence' and 'whilst' in conversation. So, whilst peddling my wares in this thread, whence I seek to get all the money, whilst you read in stunned silence at my grasp of the English language, I shall try to pummel these words into the nonsensical ground from whence they arise.

    Now's probably a good time to flash back to whence this series of artisanal shite was spawned. It all began with a simple, blindingly ridiculous premise, exploited solely by me.

    The Combat Tactical Kiridashi!

    Holy shit you can't read that at all against a white background. Excellent! Now you'll just have to guess what the heck I'm rambling on about. Confusion is one of the best tools for parting you with your money. Yellow lettering is excellent because, if you've actually bothered to try and ready this, it means I've yet again wasted your time. HA!

    This year's Combat Tactical Kiridashi (also known as MAXIMUNDO - Son of a Son of a Friend's Sister's Exactimundo) has damn-near nothing to do with the original, shown in this thread:

    Combat Tactical Kiridashi aka The EXACTIMUNDO

    Next came the Son of EXACTIMUNDO. WhooWEEE was that a steaming pile.

    Because I truly have no shame, I perpetuated this garbage with the Son of Son of EXACTIMUNDO

    Last year's installment of this dreck was the Cousin's Sister's Brother's Son of Son of EXACTIMUNDO

    THIS TIME I promise to be different.

    Sort of.

    Well, not really, I guess.

    I don't know, it's kind of different, but really mostly the same. It's just a thing. You know?

    Anyway, this knife took me months to complete.*

    Relying on my crack team of scientists, shown here, we commenced on this year's project.


    Bohr, Oppenheimer, Feynman, Fermi

    After painstaking, methodical material testing and analysis, from whence I concluded that I could pretty much use any old thing I had laying around, I selected a section of high-grade, ultra Grand Royal Crucible CPM3v, which was wrought specifically for me by the Foundry Gods**, from whence they wrought things with their wroughting... tools.

    Really, I have no idea how one 'wroughts' something, but I know that 'wrought' really does sound like a word you should use with 'whence' and 'whilst'.

    Whilst I worked on wroughting the steel whence I got off the guys at the mill, I sculpted it with my +3 Skill of Wroughting Hat on***, and quenched the blade in the Everlasting Ice of the Frigid Ice of Iciness****, whereupon which it looked a little like this:


    Whence the blade had warmed up after a tour in the
    Everlasting Ice of the Frigid Ice of Iciness, I probably made a peanut butter and jam sandwich. This is because it's almost a guaranteed fact that I have a peanut butter and jam sandwich for lunch every day. I'm a creature of habit and repetition, which is why all these stoopid knives end up looking exactly the same.


    I know you want to see the knife. It's too early. You just gotta trust me that it's different, whilst I regale you with tales of the making of this sophisticated, elegant tool.

    Just as with everything about this unique, bespoke***** item, every detail was painstakingly chosen to do something.

    Heck, I'm not really sure what else a handle material could possibly be chosen for except to be a handle, but let's just assume it took me a long time to select it because then it implies Importance, and that means Value, whence comes Expense, which means Money, and that's the whole point of bothering with this stupid thread every year, anyway!******

    *Not really.
    **well, perhaps they weren't gods. They work at the steel mill, though. And I guess it wasn't exactly made specifically for me, as it was sitting on a shelf along with a whole bunch of other 3v, but I like to feel special, so I make things up.
    ***I can't actually wear a hat in the shop, because I wear a respirator, but holy cow does "+3 Skill of Wroughting Respirator" sound dumb
    ****Liquid nitrogen. But if I just say it like that, it sounds at least as uninvolving as "+3 Skill of Wroughting Respirator" sounds dumb
    *****positively hate the use of the word. As if, because something is made to order or custom made, it instantly holds value. My dog throws a bespoke dump every morning, but you don't see me rushing to bask in it's bespoke-ness
    ******not at all. I lose my ass on these knives, but I get to write these awesome sales threads, and that alone is why it's done
    matilda, Wulf, Béma and 3 others like this.
  2. Matthew Gregory

    Matthew Gregory Chief Executive in charge of Entertainment

    Jan 12, 2005
    ...so I picked Thunderstorm Kevlar for the handle. Got it from my brother @BenR.T. Whilst this may sound to some like it's serious, with the whole 'thunderstorm' thing and all, it's just a cool looking handle material. Maybe that's what else a handle material could do aside from be a handle. Okay, so there's the two things that make choosing a handle material important.

    And remember, Importance-->Value-->Expense-->YOUR Money goes to MY pocket.

    All right, fine. Here's a shot of the knife. Man, you guys are about as patient as a back seat full of seven-year-olds all loaded up on Jolt cola and Pixie Stix.


    I told you it was different. I know you didn't believe me.

    I've probably never given you any reason to believe me, but just this once it would have been nice if you could have cut me some slack.

    Do me a solid and just hear me out for the rest of this one, now, okay?

    Holy cow!!!! I almost forgot the theme song!!!!!

    Like every other Exactimundo, this one had a theme song which was played whilst it was being bespoked (?):

    I love old Devo. Figure there's probably as many as six or eight of us that do. Really, everyone should, but they just don't understand, man...

    Yet another knife photo:


    Don't get cocky, now - I know that's a lot of photos in a short period of time, for your shrunken brain, but put the Pixie Stix down and listen whilst I tell you of the details of this lil' gem.

    The 5/32" thick blade is 3" of Cutting Edge Fury, with a handle that's 4-5/8" long. Point of balance is right on the brass pin (as if that could possibly matter on a knife like this), with brass painstakingly chosen to match the brass in the Thunderstorm Kevlar. What the heck else would I use? Seriously, just about anything else would've looked dumber than a bag of hammers.
    The spine and squidgey bit below the ricasso have been beveled, as has the tapered handle to match the blade. Weighs in at a whopping 2-3/4 ounces.

    See? I really wasn't kidding when I said it was different! This thing actually has a handle!

    I'm not even sure if this truly qualifies as an Exactimundo, because those things were nearly impossible to use. That's why, whence I showed @Wulf the bespoke item, he immediately christened it MAXIMUNDO. Can't pay for slogan men like that. Thankfully, I didn't have to. He offered it up, and I'm running with it. :D

    The tip on this one is INSANELY fine. Seriously. Whilst I may have led you astray in past digressions, I kid you not in regards to this tip. Can't tell you how many times I jabbed myself with this little SOB whilst I was whencing on it. Won't stand up to prying, which frankly only a dumbass would do with a 3" long knife, but this is Bladeforums, so I gotta put it out there or someone will immediately complain to me that the teeny little knife they bought from me broke whence they used it to rescue a shipping container full of Cheetos that was about to be cast into the depths of the ocean whence it would be eaten by coelacanths.


    Seriously, they exist. I have no clue whether they eat Cheetos or not, but I can't see why they wouldn't. Heck, I avoid garbage processed food such as Cheetos like the plague, but I've been known to have moments of self-doubt and weakness, and despite not smoking weed (seriously, I don't), I've polished off an entire bag of those Violent Orange Evil Puffs of False Cheddar snacking satisfaction.


    Superb photo of a coelacanth by Laurent Ballesta, National Geographic

    Tell me that's not the face of a guy that could enjoy hisself some Cheetos!

    Okay, maybe the guy that breaks the knife to open a shipping container to rescue Cheetos gets a pass, but only if he shares with coelacanths.

    Here's a couple shots with it's ultrasuede-lined kydex sheath:



    I'm not providing mounting hardware of any sort with the sheath, mainly because I'm a cheap bastard, and also because I just can't feature anyone carrying this any way other than maybe stashed in a pocket, but the hole spacing is standard for a TekLok or any other system you might want to use.

    $OLD includes shipping anywhere in the continental US via USPS. Email me and we can arrange other methods if necessary, or out-of-country sales. Paypal preferred. I'll eat the Paypal fees.

    It's a neat little knife, and hopefully it brings someone joy this holiday season. A word of note, I will NOT be able to ship this until AFTER January 3rd, 2018, as I'm expecting to be abducted by aliens, and I'll reckon it'll take me at least that long to return from whence I came. Hell, I'm not even sure how often I'll be able to respond to this thread after tonight. If you've actually done your homework, you'll see that I'm selective about who gets these knives. My guess is that the usual suspects already know they can't have it, but it's fun to let them try. Who knows? Maybe after enough festive non-alcoholic eggnog, I'll drop my guard and they'll weasel it out of me.
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2018
    Low_rez, JackHammer, Wulf and 5 others like this.
  3. akadave2

    akadave2 Gold Member Gold Member

    Jun 21, 2008
    That is awesome! Would love one, but cant until after Christmas
    Matthew Gregory likes this.
  4. Mike157

    Mike157 Gold Member Gold Member

    Aug 29, 2006
    Ya ya ya ya ya ya yayayaya! Most excellent! Mike
  5. BURNSY56


    Dec 13, 2003
    Best post of 2017!
    Béma and Matthew Gregory like this.
  6. Jsega51

    Jsega51 Gold Member Gold Member

    Feb 11, 2015
    Peasants wilt rejoice at which hour some poor sir cutteth himself and screams!
    Mike157 and Matthew Gregory like this.
  7. BenR.T.

    BenR.T. Tanto grinder & High performance blade peddler Moderator

    Apr 18, 2011
    So...I'm pretty good friends* with Matt, and we chat quite a bit. The doctor** said it would be good for him to associate himself with people he really looks up to, As it might help with this whole "being a real knifemaker" disillusion. Unfortunately it appears to only been encouraging him.

    I really did try to talk him out of doing this whole thread, AGAIN! But he gets some sort of twisted joy out tormenting the poor, innocent people here.

    I see he is trying to show off his skills and attention to detail*** by by showing all the fancy "bevels" and "tapers" and "cryo". I know for a fact he heat treats his blades in the microwave while wearing a tin foil hat. And his cryo consists of quenching in frozen queso dip.

    Anyway, I just thought I would give you all a word of warning. Do with it what you will.

    By the way, no Cheetos or weed........riiiiiiighhhttttt. :rolleyes:

    Actual picture of Matt on his lunch break......


    Really I'm just bitter because Matt wont sell me any knives.Stupid jerk face.

    * Big Brother program
    ** Psychotherapist
    *** Obsessive compulsive disorder

    rooster68, Mecha, Wulf and 4 others like this.
  8. J. Doyle

    J. Doyle Bladesmith/Knifemaker Knifemaker / Craftsman / Service Provider

    Feb 17, 2008
    It is my sincere and earnest wish that one of these years I won't be barred from owning one of these.

    And WHILST we're on the subject, Ben's photo above is clearly doctored. That's not really Matt. For those who don't know him, here is a REAL photo of Matt waving to me just outside the Blade show last year:

    rooster68, jus_gus, Wulf and 6 others like this.
  9. Jester60

    Jester60 Gold Member Gold Member

    May 21, 2011
    Well, well, well (maybe too deep a subject for Senior Gregory {didn't know I spoke Spaniards did you?}). I knew there was a reason I wasn't suppose to log on here till after New Years.

    "so some poor bastard can be fleeced of some hard-earned dough whilst the rest of us laugh at them." ... yes, he's talking (typing?) about me, I got some of Matt's fleas. I'm the somewhat befuddled owner of 'The Son', or as my wife calls it 'The Letter Opener'.

    I have to say I'm still not sure why I bought it, we already had some crooked and bent knives around to use to clean my toenails, I didn't need another one. If you look at the thread you see I seemed eager to buy it too, jumped right on it. Last time I made a snap decision like that it ended in divorce, a 60/40 split of wealth and child support. Fortunatly the Son of Exactimundo debacle wasn't quite as costly a mistake and, unlike my ex, is actually somewhat useful. So, 'whilst' it was an expensive piece of shi .... errr ... metallic stuff, unlike my ex I don't 'whence' every time I think about it. (See, I got to your 4th sentence before I stopped reading the drivel you call a 'sales thread'.)

    I think the owners of your knives together in one place, sorta like an Owners Group but really more like a Class Action Suit ... and see if we can get our money back.

    Well, that's all I got. Merry Christmas to All Y'all!


    PS, We all know what aliens do to someone when they abduct them... all that poking and probing. Enjoy yourself, Matt. Lol
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2017
    Matthew Gregory and Mike157 like this.
  10. Matthew Gregory

    Matthew Gregory Chief Executive in charge of Entertainment

    Jan 12, 2005
    So awesome. Great to see how my friends* chime in on these threads.

    Jim, I’m so glad you checked in, here. Good to know that little blade still has a good home.

    FYI, all sales are final. :D

    *seriously? such bitter, mean-spirited people. wonder what I could possibly have done to deserve such treatment o_O
    Mecha and Mike157 like this.
  11. Matthew Gregory

    Matthew Gregory Chief Executive in charge of Entertainment

    Jan 12, 2005
    Supremely good Photoshoppery going on here.

    Note the J Doyle Knives shirt in that image.

    J. Doyle, BenR.T. and Mike157 like this.
  12. Matthew Gregory

    Matthew Gregory Chief Executive in charge of Entertainment

    Jan 12, 2005
    I wish there was supremely good Photoshoppery going on here.

    Poor girl looks like she’s my twin, right down to the eyebrows.

    Mike157 and J. Doyle like this.
  13. trevitrace

    trevitrace Gold Member Gold Member

    Jul 21, 2013
    Mike157 and Matthew Gregory like this.
  14. Lorien

    Lorien KnifeMaker / Craftsman / Service Provider Knifemaker / Craftsman / Service Provider

    Dec 5, 2005
    I'll* take** it***

    *sorry I'm late to this sad yearly event, I tried not coming at all but I fell on the computer and it turned on. So here I am
    **I can't believe you actually succeeded in making an uglier knife than the one I got last time. Maybe you should smoke some weed
    ***you have my mailing address
    Mike157 and Matthew Gregory like this.
  15. Matthew Gregory

    Matthew Gregory Chief Executive in charge of Entertainment

    Jan 12, 2005
    It’s too early to let this sell to you, Lorien. You can have the sympathy sale, assuming we can’t find another victim.

    ...now taking Bitcoin as payment.

    Also, doubloons. But only if they’re really cool ones, from pirate treasure.
    Mike157 and BenR.T. like this.
  16. Matthew Gregory

    Matthew Gregory Chief Executive in charge of Entertainment

    Jan 12, 2005
    ‘Sympathy sale.’

    omg that’s awesome
    Jsega51 and Mike157 like this.
  17. TRfromMT

    TRfromMT Gold Member Gold Member Basic Member

    Jan 4, 2016
    I'm glad you spoke to the balance point. Could you answer some additional questions? I think it's important to make sure *legitimate* buyers' questions are addressed.

    Can this knife be thrown?
    Can it be shot (as in shot at, not like fired from a gun)?
    Can it be shot, from a gun?
    Will it hold an edge, for, like, ever?
    What is the warranty?
    Will it make me cooler?

    If you could address these important details, I'm sure someone would appreciate it.

    If you already did I am sure I didn't read the fine details


    A concerned Citizen.

    Merry Christmas everyone.
    Mike157 and Matthew Gregory like this.
  18. Dawkind

    Dawkind Platinum Member Platinum Member

    Apr 3, 2000
    I’d take sloppy sympathy seconds....Merry Christmas to all!!!!! ❤️❤️
    Mecha, Jsega51, Mike157 and 1 other person like this.
  19. Wulf


    May 10, 2000
    As much as I'm enjoying this thread, I actually came here for the knife.

    I like the profile. I like the blade geometry. I like the beveled spine and taint*. I like the gently tapered, slim, and form-functional handle. I like the steel selection and heat treatment. I like the sheath. I know that this will make an eminently useful shop knife and a discrete, easy-carrying last-ditch defensive weapon. It's a smartly designed and exceptionally well-made tool. I even like the name.

    In fact I like these things so much I'm willing to look past the place from whence it came - and the man** from whomce it was wrought - whilst I use it for any and all manner of mundane and ignoble tasks.

    So, unless already spoke for (sympathy-dibs notwithstanding ;) ), I'll take it!

    *Technical term (possibly French) used to describe the area beneath the ricasso, between the cutting edge and the hilt
    **Also a technical term, at least when used to describe "Mister" Gregory
    Mike157, Matthew Gregory and Jester60 like this.
  20. Jester60

    Jester60 Gold Member Gold Member

    May 21, 2011
    Well, looks like we have a wiener! (snickering quietly and pointing a Wulf)
    Mike157, Wulf and Matthew Gregory like this.

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