Matthew Gregory
Chief Executive in charge of Entertainment
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2005
- Messages
- 6,005
Can you believe it? Another year, time for another polished turd!!!!
I'm Matt Gregory. I've been a member of the Bladeforums community for twelve years, which guarantees that almost every position I have on knives, knifemaking, and life in general has been skewed and distorted to the point where nothing I say or do can possibly hold any merit. To prove this, I offer a single, exquisite knife, every year around the holidays, so some poor bastard can be fleeced of some hard-earned dough whilst the rest of us laugh at them.
I should probably mention right now that I feel we've let something slip from our culture by not using words like 'whence' and 'whilst' in conversation. So, whilst peddling my wares in this thread, whence I seek to get all the money, whilst you read in stunned silence at my grasp of the English language, I shall try to pummel these words into the nonsensical ground from whence they arise.
Now's probably a good time to flash back to whence this series of artisanal shite was spawned. It all began with a simple, blindingly ridiculous premise, exploited solely by me.
The Combat Tactical Kiridashi!
Holy shit you can't read that at all against a white background. Excellent! Now you'll just have to guess what the heck I'm rambling on about. Confusion is one of the best tools for parting you with your money. Yellow lettering is excellent because, if you've actually bothered to try and ready this, it means I've yet again wasted your time. HA!
This year's Combat Tactical Kiridashi (also known as MAXIMUNDO - Son of a Son of a Friend's Sister's Exactimundo) has damn-near nothing to do with the original, shown in this thread:
Combat Tactical Kiridashi aka The EXACTIMUNDO
Next came the Son of EXACTIMUNDO. WhooWEEE was that a steaming pile.
Because I truly have no shame, I perpetuated this garbage with the Son of Son of EXACTIMUNDO
Last year's installment of this dreck was the Cousin's Sister's Brother's Son of Son of EXACTIMUNDO
THIS TIME I promise to be different.
Sort of.
Well, not really, I guess.
I don't know, it's kind of different, but really mostly the same. It's just a thing. You know?
Anyway, this knife took me months to complete.*
Relying on my crack team of scientists, shown here, we commenced on this year's project.
Bohr, Oppenheimer, Feynman, Fermi
After painstaking, methodical material testing and analysis, from whence I concluded that I could pretty much use any old thing I had laying around, I selected a section of high-grade, ultra Grand Royal Crucible CPM3v, which was wrought specifically for me by the Foundry Gods**, from whence they wrought things with their wroughting... tools.
Really, I have no idea how one 'wroughts' something, but I know that 'wrought' really does sound like a word you should use with 'whence' and 'whilst'.
Whilst I worked on wroughting the steel whence I got off the guys at the mill, I sculpted it with my +3 Skill of Wroughting Hat on***, and quenched the blade in the Everlasting Ice of the Frigid Ice of Iciness****, whereupon which it looked a little like this:
Whence the blade had warmed up after a tour in the Everlasting Ice of the Frigid Ice of Iciness, I probably made a peanut butter and jam sandwich. This is because it's almost a guaranteed fact that I have a peanut butter and jam sandwich for lunch every day. I'm a creature of habit and repetition, which is why all these stoopid knives end up looking exactly the same.
I know you want to see the knife. It's too early. You just gotta trust me that it's different, whilst I regale you with tales of the making of this sophisticated, elegant tool.
Just as with everything about this unique, bespoke***** item, every detail was painstakingly chosen to do something.
Heck, I'm not really sure what else a handle material could possibly be chosen for except to be a handle, but let's just assume it took me a long time to select it because then it implies Importance, and that means Value, whence comes Expense, which means Money, and that's the whole point of bothering with this stupid thread every year, anyway!******
*Not really.
**well, perhaps they weren't gods. They work at the steel mill, though. And I guess it wasn't exactly made specifically for me, as it was sitting on a shelf along with a whole bunch of other 3v, but I like to feel special, so I make things up.
***I can't actually wear a hat in the shop, because I wear a respirator, but holy cow does "+3 Skill of Wroughting Respirator" sound dumb
****Liquid nitrogen. But if I just say it like that, it sounds at least as uninvolving as "+3 Skill of Wroughting Respirator" sounds dumb
*****positively hate the use of the word. As if, because something is made to order or custom made, it instantly holds value. My dog throws a bespoke dump every morning, but you don't see me rushing to bask in it's bespoke-ness
******not at all. I lose my ass on these knives, but I get to write these awesome sales threads, and that alone is why it's done
I'm Matt Gregory. I've been a member of the Bladeforums community for twelve years, which guarantees that almost every position I have on knives, knifemaking, and life in general has been skewed and distorted to the point where nothing I say or do can possibly hold any merit. To prove this, I offer a single, exquisite knife, every year around the holidays, so some poor bastard can be fleeced of some hard-earned dough whilst the rest of us laugh at them.
I should probably mention right now that I feel we've let something slip from our culture by not using words like 'whence' and 'whilst' in conversation. So, whilst peddling my wares in this thread, whence I seek to get all the money, whilst you read in stunned silence at my grasp of the English language, I shall try to pummel these words into the nonsensical ground from whence they arise.
Now's probably a good time to flash back to whence this series of artisanal shite was spawned. It all began with a simple, blindingly ridiculous premise, exploited solely by me.
The Combat Tactical Kiridashi!
Holy shit you can't read that at all against a white background. Excellent! Now you'll just have to guess what the heck I'm rambling on about. Confusion is one of the best tools for parting you with your money. Yellow lettering is excellent because, if you've actually bothered to try and ready this, it means I've yet again wasted your time. HA!
This year's Combat Tactical Kiridashi (also known as MAXIMUNDO - Son of a Son of a Friend's Sister's Exactimundo) has damn-near nothing to do with the original, shown in this thread:
Combat Tactical Kiridashi aka The EXACTIMUNDO
Next came the Son of EXACTIMUNDO. WhooWEEE was that a steaming pile.
Because I truly have no shame, I perpetuated this garbage with the Son of Son of EXACTIMUNDO
Last year's installment of this dreck was the Cousin's Sister's Brother's Son of Son of EXACTIMUNDO
THIS TIME I promise to be different.
Sort of.
Well, not really, I guess.
I don't know, it's kind of different, but really mostly the same. It's just a thing. You know?
Anyway, this knife took me months to complete.*
Relying on my crack team of scientists, shown here, we commenced on this year's project.
Bohr, Oppenheimer, Feynman, Fermi
After painstaking, methodical material testing and analysis, from whence I concluded that I could pretty much use any old thing I had laying around, I selected a section of high-grade, ultra Grand Royal Crucible CPM3v, which was wrought specifically for me by the Foundry Gods**, from whence they wrought things with their wroughting... tools.
Really, I have no idea how one 'wroughts' something, but I know that 'wrought' really does sound like a word you should use with 'whence' and 'whilst'.
Whilst I worked on wroughting the steel whence I got off the guys at the mill, I sculpted it with my +3 Skill of Wroughting Hat on***, and quenched the blade in the Everlasting Ice of the Frigid Ice of Iciness****, whereupon which it looked a little like this:
Whence the blade had warmed up after a tour in the Everlasting Ice of the Frigid Ice of Iciness, I probably made a peanut butter and jam sandwich. This is because it's almost a guaranteed fact that I have a peanut butter and jam sandwich for lunch every day. I'm a creature of habit and repetition, which is why all these stoopid knives end up looking exactly the same.
EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE!!!!!!!
I know you want to see the knife. It's too early. You just gotta trust me that it's different, whilst I regale you with tales of the making of this sophisticated, elegant tool.
Just as with everything about this unique, bespoke***** item, every detail was painstakingly chosen to do something.
Heck, I'm not really sure what else a handle material could possibly be chosen for except to be a handle, but let's just assume it took me a long time to select it because then it implies Importance, and that means Value, whence comes Expense, which means Money, and that's the whole point of bothering with this stupid thread every year, anyway!******
*Not really.
**well, perhaps they weren't gods. They work at the steel mill, though. And I guess it wasn't exactly made specifically for me, as it was sitting on a shelf along with a whole bunch of other 3v, but I like to feel special, so I make things up.
***I can't actually wear a hat in the shop, because I wear a respirator, but holy cow does "+3 Skill of Wroughting Respirator" sound dumb
****Liquid nitrogen. But if I just say it like that, it sounds at least as uninvolving as "+3 Skill of Wroughting Respirator" sounds dumb
*****positively hate the use of the word. As if, because something is made to order or custom made, it instantly holds value. My dog throws a bespoke dump every morning, but you don't see me rushing to bask in it's bespoke-ness
******not at all. I lose my ass on these knives, but I get to write these awesome sales threads, and that alone is why it's done
