I know that nothing can really help, but I wanted to share some thoughts that gave me something to hold onto when my little brother died. I am a big fan of the psychological model of attachment theory. In particular, I like the combination of models that Dr. Drew Pinsky talks about (he works in a broad range of influences like polyvagal theory, 12-step communities, and philosophical concepts from Bourdieu). That stuff isn't really important, I just share it as background on where the ideas come from.
The key element of this idea for me is that consciousness (our sense of ourselves, our individual personhood) does not reside in our bodies, but is actually something that emerges out of our connections with other people. Feral children do not truly have a consciousness the same way that we do, because the self is initially created through those most fundamental attachments, our attachments to our parents.
Most of the time people/researchers focus on how those fundamental attachments affect the ways that people behave and interact with other people throughout their lives, but that isn't really what feels the most important (to me) about attachment theory when it comes to loss and grieving. What I think is really important to realize about this theory, is that if it is correct, then the people we love most dearly are not simply important to us, they are us. Who we are as individuals is inseparable from the people we love and the connections we make. We are literally a part of the people we love, and they are a part of us. When we lose someone we love, it doesn't just feel like a part of ourselves has been ripped away, a part of ourselves truly has been ripped away.
When you lost your daughter--when I lost my brother--it didn't just feel like a hole was torn in us, a part of ourselves was literally lost. Because who you are is, and has been, in large part built around your attachment to your daughter. That hole is not just metaphorical, it is real.
The power of our attachments is huge. If you want an example of how attachments can change a person, you can look at recovery programs. Often times a person's problems and/or addictions can be too much for an individual to overcome, but when new healthy attachments are formed, the power of those healthy attachments to shape and remake a person can allow an addict to become someone who thrives (to me, this aspect feels very real because my brother was an addict who got into recovery and was able to really recapture his life before he died in a random car accident). Our attachments are more than ourselves, and have the power to change who we are.
Where I kind of go off on my own (and where I find some comfort) is that I think that when we lose the people we love, while we lose a part of ourselves, we do not lose all of them. A part of who they were is still a part of who you are. It has to be. And when you continue to connect with other people and make new attachments, or even just maintain the ones you already have, a part of your loved one becomes a part of them too. Your daughter is still a part of you, and the other people she loved and connected to, and even though her body is gone, the power of her attachments is still in the world. As long as you are continuing to love and connect with people in your world, a part of her is also shaping the selves of the people in your life and will continue to do so as long as you continue to connect with other people.
It might not be much help, but to me it feels like a little bit of immortality that we can make in this world through love.
I hope this hasn't felt like me overstepping myself. These are just the thoughts and concepts that have helped me. I hardly need to tell you that the pain of these fundamental losses never truly heals, it just becomes a part of us. I think it is important to acknowledge that that pain, loss, and hurt is very real, and not some imaginary metaphor.
Zikhrona livrakha. May her memory be for a blessing.