Matthew Gregory
Chief Executive in charge of Entertainment
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2005
- Messages
- 6,036
...it's that time of the year, kids.
I'm Matt Gregory. Some of you may know me from my sporadic presence on the forums, others may have met me at a knifemaking event. Perhaps some of you remember me from my table dancing days. Either way, you'll know I have a special sense of humor, and a desire to make others enjoy themselves, even if it's at their own expense.
Folks, only I can come up with something this absurd. Just me, baby. Proof positive that I have absolutely no shame, no self esteem, no self restraint. My only goal is to bilk you out of your hard-earned cash, and ploy you into believing you WANTED me to. What better means of doing this than offering up for sale quite possibly the most crucial and trivial of those edged weapons, the
Combat Tactical Kiridashi!
This year's Combat Tactical Kiridashi (also known as the Cousin's Sister's Brother's Son of Son of EXACTIMUNDO) is a quasi-direct descendant of the original, shown in this thread:
Combat Tactical Kiridashi aka The EXACTIMUNDO
Followed up shortly thereafter with the partially spontaneous, mildly disturbing and vaguely irritating Son of EXACTIMUNDO.
And, as if that wasn't offensive enough, I kept the ball rolling with an even dumber iteration for 2015, craftily titled the Son of Son of EXACTIMUNDO
This holiday season's blade promises to be at least as vacuous. I've spent the ENTIRE YEAR researching new and inventive ways of avoiding doing anything*, and well... this is what I came up with.
...pretty pathetic, right? It's supposed to be!!!!
The Cousin's Sister's Brother's Son of Son of EXACTIMUNDO sneers at you with malevolent disregard for your judgement. Almost as sneery as the pierced and tattooed hipster that serves you a latte at the local coffee joint.
Almost.
Let's face it, those people have the sneer down like nobody's business. Seriously. In fact, I no longer feel comfortable buying a double shot and a tall black from someone that doesn't treat me poorly. How's THAT for conditioning! Anyway, this Combat Tactical Kiridashi is almost that malevolent. Can't get a cup of coffee from it, though.
Let's take a gander at this year's offering, shall we?
Forged in the fires of Hades**, quenched in the undying blood of coffee shop hipsters***, and clothed in the tattered skin of Leviathan****
Hysterical that I'm only now noticing that the friggin' blade needed to be wiped off better before the photo shoot. SO typical...
1/4" 1084 high carbon steel was selected for this year's offering. 2.778" long cutting edge, 3-15/128" long handle. Stem to stern, just over 6". Seems weird using decimals, fractions and eyeball estimations, but that's how I roll!
But, not just any old 1084...
...a SPECIAL 1084.
In fact, a 1084 that hasn't been available in eons.
Long ago, in a place strange and uncomfortable to those unfamiliar with it (New Jersey), there was once a man destined for Greatness. A veritable giant in the knifemaking world, if for no other reason than the appetite he displayed consuming chicken wings at Hooter's.
Before he arose from the filth and stench (New Jersey), he encountered a stranger that made him a special deal. If he were to give the stranger $10,000, the stranger would supply him with a handful of magical beans. These beans, the stranger assured him, would change his life. Not being one to pass up the deal of a lifetime, he forked over the moolah and greedily palmed the beans. Upon arriving home and explaining the great opportunity to his wife, she blew up in fury and frustration, striking him about the head and neck with a coal shovel (it is Jersey, after all), and pitching the beans out the open window and into the industrial chemical-laden soil (we're talking New Jersey, remember?). Heartbroken, our hero nursed his wounds with bad beer and retired for the night. Upon waking the next day, he found that the beans had reacted with the totally toxic and radioactive soil of his New Jersey lawn and created a magical material - 1084 high carbon steel!
That man was Aldo Bruno, The New Jersey Steel Baron. True story!*****
Double hollow ground, brilliant red rayskin and black tsukaito, all soaked in industrial resin. The flats and spine have been left entirely alone, as I think the crunchy mill scale is awesome. Here's a shot of the spine:
The extra crunchiness creates micro abrasions on wound entry and exit, sort of reverse blood grooves, complicating healing and leading to septicemia. Or, maybe just a bad rash. Dunno. Guess it depends on how badly you manage to accidentally stuff it into your thigh using it for something it's obviously not intended for.
As with all my Premium Grand Royal Masterpieces, this one had a theme song during it's creation. At all points in the process of making this exquisite weapon, the joint was rocking out to Brant Bjork:
[video=youtube;1TKlM4QIclk]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TKlM4QIclk[/video]
Stoner rock kicks ass. Not really sure why, especially because I don't smoke weed, but it does. Force yourself to listen to the whole song, if for no reason other than to satisfy my desire to inflict my own biases on you.
Here's a shot in it's ultrasuede-lined megatactical kydex pants:
A few words of note on maintaining the Premium Grand Royal finish: exhaustive research has been done to determine the correct way to reduce fouling and corrosion of high carbon steel blades, and our results are absolute, and conclude that the ONLY means of doing this is through careful and repeated cleaning of the blade using canned steam. Most car parts stores sell it, so before buying this knife make certain that your local Autozone stocks it. Just be sure to ask for the sixteen ounce can of steam, and they'll be sure to help you. My local place seems to stock it right next to the 1967 Volkswagen Beetle radiator caps, and the turn signal fluid. Good luck!
$OLD includes shipping anywhere in the continental US via USPS. Email me and we can arrange other methods if necessary, or out-of-country sales. Paypal preferred. I'll eat the Paypal fees.
It's a neat little knife, and hopefully it brings someone joy this holiday season. A word of note, I will NOT be able to ship this until AFTER the 28th of December, as I'm embarking on my whirlwind tour of Europe, Scandinavia and the sub continent. Hell, I'm not even sure how often I'll be able to respond to this thread after tonight, as my incarceration...er..... trip starts shortly. We'll just have to see how this manages to deteriorate into a miasma of depraved buffoonery all of it's own volition.
This supremely crafted blade features our new Tail-light Warranty******, so rest assured, all your concerns are nothing more than genuinely valid concerns.
*not really
**well, it was 'forged' at a rolling mill, somewhere. Sometimes the guys that work there can be cranky, I'll wager. Probably be hell working with them... good enough for the loose standards displayed in THIS thread!
***Park's #50 quenchant. Probably nothing like hipster blood. Refer to the previous sub-note comment regarding standards in this thread
****I'll bet somebody could confuse a stingray with a Leviathan. In fact, you can really scare the bejeezuz out of yourself in a fun way if you do a little skindiving in murky freshwater, and stumble into a big ol' fat carp. Your eyes meet, and if freaks your right out thinking you're about to be devoured by a Leviathan and you skyrocket out of the water like a frightened child. Well, at least I do...
*****Maybe I fibbed a little, but I did get it from Aldo, and it was before he was the New Jersey Steel Baron
******The moment we see your tail-lights, you have no warranty. Also available for an additional exhorbitant fee is the add-on High-n-Dry warranty. Email for details on how we can avoid servicing you.
I'm Matt Gregory. Some of you may know me from my sporadic presence on the forums, others may have met me at a knifemaking event. Perhaps some of you remember me from my table dancing days. Either way, you'll know I have a special sense of humor, and a desire to make others enjoy themselves, even if it's at their own expense.
Folks, only I can come up with something this absurd. Just me, baby. Proof positive that I have absolutely no shame, no self esteem, no self restraint. My only goal is to bilk you out of your hard-earned cash, and ploy you into believing you WANTED me to. What better means of doing this than offering up for sale quite possibly the most crucial and trivial of those edged weapons, the
Combat Tactical Kiridashi!
This year's Combat Tactical Kiridashi (also known as the Cousin's Sister's Brother's Son of Son of EXACTIMUNDO) is a quasi-direct descendant of the original, shown in this thread:
Combat Tactical Kiridashi aka The EXACTIMUNDO
Followed up shortly thereafter with the partially spontaneous, mildly disturbing and vaguely irritating Son of EXACTIMUNDO.
And, as if that wasn't offensive enough, I kept the ball rolling with an even dumber iteration for 2015, craftily titled the Son of Son of EXACTIMUNDO
This holiday season's blade promises to be at least as vacuous. I've spent the ENTIRE YEAR researching new and inventive ways of avoiding doing anything*, and well... this is what I came up with.
...pretty pathetic, right? It's supposed to be!!!!
The Cousin's Sister's Brother's Son of Son of EXACTIMUNDO sneers at you with malevolent disregard for your judgement. Almost as sneery as the pierced and tattooed hipster that serves you a latte at the local coffee joint.
Almost.
Let's face it, those people have the sneer down like nobody's business. Seriously. In fact, I no longer feel comfortable buying a double shot and a tall black from someone that doesn't treat me poorly. How's THAT for conditioning! Anyway, this Combat Tactical Kiridashi is almost that malevolent. Can't get a cup of coffee from it, though.
Let's take a gander at this year's offering, shall we?
Forged in the fires of Hades**, quenched in the undying blood of coffee shop hipsters***, and clothed in the tattered skin of Leviathan****
Hysterical that I'm only now noticing that the friggin' blade needed to be wiped off better before the photo shoot. SO typical...
1/4" 1084 high carbon steel was selected for this year's offering. 2.778" long cutting edge, 3-15/128" long handle. Stem to stern, just over 6". Seems weird using decimals, fractions and eyeball estimations, but that's how I roll!
But, not just any old 1084...
...a SPECIAL 1084.
In fact, a 1084 that hasn't been available in eons.
Long ago, in a place strange and uncomfortable to those unfamiliar with it (New Jersey), there was once a man destined for Greatness. A veritable giant in the knifemaking world, if for no other reason than the appetite he displayed consuming chicken wings at Hooter's.
Before he arose from the filth and stench (New Jersey), he encountered a stranger that made him a special deal. If he were to give the stranger $10,000, the stranger would supply him with a handful of magical beans. These beans, the stranger assured him, would change his life. Not being one to pass up the deal of a lifetime, he forked over the moolah and greedily palmed the beans. Upon arriving home and explaining the great opportunity to his wife, she blew up in fury and frustration, striking him about the head and neck with a coal shovel (it is Jersey, after all), and pitching the beans out the open window and into the industrial chemical-laden soil (we're talking New Jersey, remember?). Heartbroken, our hero nursed his wounds with bad beer and retired for the night. Upon waking the next day, he found that the beans had reacted with the totally toxic and radioactive soil of his New Jersey lawn and created a magical material - 1084 high carbon steel!
That man was Aldo Bruno, The New Jersey Steel Baron. True story!*****
Double hollow ground, brilliant red rayskin and black tsukaito, all soaked in industrial resin. The flats and spine have been left entirely alone, as I think the crunchy mill scale is awesome. Here's a shot of the spine:
The extra crunchiness creates micro abrasions on wound entry and exit, sort of reverse blood grooves, complicating healing and leading to septicemia. Or, maybe just a bad rash. Dunno. Guess it depends on how badly you manage to accidentally stuff it into your thigh using it for something it's obviously not intended for.
As with all my Premium Grand Royal Masterpieces, this one had a theme song during it's creation. At all points in the process of making this exquisite weapon, the joint was rocking out to Brant Bjork:
[video=youtube;1TKlM4QIclk]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TKlM4QIclk[/video]
Stoner rock kicks ass. Not really sure why, especially because I don't smoke weed, but it does. Force yourself to listen to the whole song, if for no reason other than to satisfy my desire to inflict my own biases on you.
Here's a shot in it's ultrasuede-lined megatactical kydex pants:
A few words of note on maintaining the Premium Grand Royal finish: exhaustive research has been done to determine the correct way to reduce fouling and corrosion of high carbon steel blades, and our results are absolute, and conclude that the ONLY means of doing this is through careful and repeated cleaning of the blade using canned steam. Most car parts stores sell it, so before buying this knife make certain that your local Autozone stocks it. Just be sure to ask for the sixteen ounce can of steam, and they'll be sure to help you. My local place seems to stock it right next to the 1967 Volkswagen Beetle radiator caps, and the turn signal fluid. Good luck!
$OLD includes shipping anywhere in the continental US via USPS. Email me and we can arrange other methods if necessary, or out-of-country sales. Paypal preferred. I'll eat the Paypal fees.
It's a neat little knife, and hopefully it brings someone joy this holiday season. A word of note, I will NOT be able to ship this until AFTER the 28th of December, as I'm embarking on my whirlwind tour of Europe, Scandinavia and the sub continent. Hell, I'm not even sure how often I'll be able to respond to this thread after tonight, as my incarceration...er..... trip starts shortly. We'll just have to see how this manages to deteriorate into a miasma of depraved buffoonery all of it's own volition.
This supremely crafted blade features our new Tail-light Warranty******, so rest assured, all your concerns are nothing more than genuinely valid concerns.
*not really
**well, it was 'forged' at a rolling mill, somewhere. Sometimes the guys that work there can be cranky, I'll wager. Probably be hell working with them... good enough for the loose standards displayed in THIS thread!
***Park's #50 quenchant. Probably nothing like hipster blood. Refer to the previous sub-note comment regarding standards in this thread
****I'll bet somebody could confuse a stingray with a Leviathan. In fact, you can really scare the bejeezuz out of yourself in a fun way if you do a little skindiving in murky freshwater, and stumble into a big ol' fat carp. Your eyes meet, and if freaks your right out thinking you're about to be devoured by a Leviathan and you skyrocket out of the water like a frightened child. Well, at least I do...
*****Maybe I fibbed a little, but I did get it from Aldo, and it was before he was the New Jersey Steel Baron
******The moment we see your tail-lights, you have no warranty. Also available for an additional exhorbitant fee is the add-on High-n-Dry warranty. Email for details on how we can avoid servicing you.
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