Contest Win a Carnivore

Stand-Up Comedy
Featuring Al "Rodney" Gore
by Paul Seaburn

I gotta tell ya, it ain't easy being me. When I go to
a state funeral, people give me flowers and talk
about how natural I look.

I've always been stiff. When I was born, the doctor had
to use a crowbar.

My old man stuck a whistle up my nose so he wouldn't
have to keep checking to see if I was breathing.

When we played "Capture the flag," I was always the
pole.

My old man refused to take me shopping because he'd
always get stopped at the door for stealing a mannequin.

He got me a dog and then taught him how to play fetch
me.

Mattel is coming out with a doll that looks just like me.
They're calling it a no-action figure.

I tell ya, I get no respect. No respect at all. I called the
Secret Service to tell them I heard a noise in the
house. They put me on hold.

I told the president I thought Tipper might have VD. He
went to get a shot of penicillin.

My dry cleaning bill costs a fortune. Every time I hug a
tree, Buddy pees on me.

I asked Erich Segal if the movie "Love Story" was
about me. He said no, but "Frankenstein" was.

Dan Quayle just called me up and thanked me for being a
Democrat.

No respect. I told my psychiatrist I think I bore people.
Then I had to wake him up and tell him again.

I told Tipper to put on some music to get in the mood.
She played "How much is that doggie in the window?"


 
Slicktionary - Al Gore Edition

al dente: what the vice president did to Tipper's car.

Al Gore: Al Gore's favorite charity.

The Borrowers: Bill and Al at a White House coffee.

cadaver: Secret Service code name for Al Gore.

chemotherapy: treatment Al Gore went through to stop himself from calling Bill "Kemosabi."

Dumb and Dumber: new Secret Service code names for Clinton and Gore.

euthanasia: future Al Gore campaign contributor.

Girl Scout: Al Gore's primary job during the State of the Union address.

general anesthesia: highest military rank attained by Al Gore.

Internet: Al Gore's greatest invention other than the "stiff" look.

lame duck: best way to describe Al Gore dancing.

ozone alert: announcement made before every Al Gore speech.

Seven Years in Tibet: best way to describe a one-hour speech by Al Gore.

static: Al Gore's favorite radio station.
 
The biggest joke is that the media has anounced that Al Gore has moved his Headquarters back to his home in TN. He was born in the beltway, raised in the beltway, and lived in the beltway most of his life. The only reason he claims to be from Tennessee is so he can run for office as one of the average american citizens. He has been indoctrinated from birth to aspire to the presidency.

Another little known quote from Honest Al.
I will not accept the job as Vice-President. It's only for chumps. Boy did he screw up.

another joke on AL. He joined the National Guard to be exempt from active military service in Nam. His unit was activated and sent over there anyway.

Not jokes in the sense Bob wanted. But the best jokes of all. What happens when you are making plans for life.

Cheers,

ts


------------------
Guns are for show. Knifes are for Pros.
 
Being a fan of short jokes, Dew gets my vote with his "Carnigore"! Very original and relative to the prize.
smile.gif


jeff
 
OK, since all the good ones have been taken, I'll have to unleash my no-fail punchline. (This one always wins)
"Rectum? Hell, it almost killed him!"

What the heck it was worth a shot.
 
OK,
Here's the biggest joke of all:

AL GORE FOR PRESIDENT!

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The individualist without strategy who takes opponents lightly will inevitably become the captive of others.


 
What the hell. Give it to Bob Irons for the most consecutive posts in a thread.
wink.gif


------------------
Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.
Outlaw_Dogboy


 
The Meaning of Life....
as told by Al Gore
So my teenage son and I were lying on our backs on the grass near the football field in the park. We were watching the clouds overhead when he asked me, "Dad, why are we here?" And this is what I said.

"I've thought a lot about it, son, and I don't think it's all that complicated. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to walk, turn two and eat sunflower seeds without swallowing the hulls."

"We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream when we hear Rush Limbaugh on the radio, after someone has changed the station."

"We're put on this earth as born Democrats, to be the only party that can do the right things for all the people.

"We're here to save the rain forest, stop the ozone depletion, to put the government into the lives of all the people of this nation who can't think for themselves, who don't know what's best for them."

"We're here to establish our moral values as the moral values of the majority, to give the Gay and minority population the same rights and opportunities as the Christians, Catholics and Jews."

"We're here to oversee the whole world for human rights violations and intervene only when our quality of life and security are threatened."

"We're here to watch, at least once, as the gun control bill collapses around the Republicans, and there is no time to revive it."

"We're here to see the Bald Eagle take flight, saved by mankind to exist once more well into the next century."

"We're here to protect the Spotted Owl in the Pacific Northwest, and put thousands of lumberjacks out of work. We have to take care of these birds, you know."

"We're here to gamble and buy lottery tickets with our grocery money, but not let Mom know."

"We're here to get into at least one really good brawl, get a nice shiner and end up throwing an arm around the guy who gave it to us."

"We're here to spend our summers down on the farm, hoeing tobacco, driving the wagons, milking the cows, and putting the hay in the barn loft."

"We're here to go fishing with the kids, to put the worm on the hook, take home all of the tiny fish to clean and cook, and still call it a perfect day."

"We're here to nail political signs to telephone poles for our next election, and leave it there.. leave it there... leave it there... forever after the election."

"We're here to train our dog to roll over, so he will never repeat it when we try to show him off to our friends."

"I don't think the meaning of life is to agonize over what comes before birth or after death, but to fill in the dash in between, and to protect young mothers from having to put their unborn through this choice."

"We're here to see our friends try to catch up with us, spend so much time slaving toward the better car, a bigger house, the big day that will finally make them happy."

"We're not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven."

"Does that answer your question, son?"

And his son said, "Not really, Dad."

And Al said, "No?"

And the son said, "No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?"


------------------
-Dennis


 
AP 4-Feb-99.......18:08 EST
Copyright 1999, The Associate Press. All Rights Reserved

by Sam Splinter
Associate Press Writer

Washington, D.C. (AP)----Addressing the National Association of Software Manufactures at their annual meeting in Washington today, Vice President Al Gore called for the elimination of the current 911 emergency system and replacing it with a centralized internet emergency site.

"The High-Tech computer age is here and we will not be left behind" Mr. Gore then explained how the new system would operate:

---When a crisis arises, simply turn on your computer and after booting up, you would just click on the icon of your internet service provider and wait until connected via high speed modem. Once on line, just type in http://www.emergency.com/priority/code, and you will be asked to type in your 10 digit PIN (personal identification number), and for verification purposes enter your state, city, name, address, & social security number. After the computer cross checks your PIN number with your personal data, you will then have access to the diagnostic
menu ---- Simply click on the icon that best identifies your emergency and the correct emergency personnel will be dispatched IMMEDIATELY.


------------------
-Dennis


 



Back in the 60's, one evening while I was watching TV with Tipper in my college dorm, I came up with the idea for creating the character of Austin Powers.

- Al Gore, July 1999


------------------
-Dennis


 
The top 16 world's shortest books
===========================

16. Al Gore: The Wild Years

15. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

14. America's Most Popular Lawyers

13. Career Opportunities for History Majors

12. Detroit - A Travel Guide

11. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

10. Easy UNIX

9. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

8. Everything Men Know About Women

7. Everything Women Know About Men

6. French Hospitality

5. George Forman's Big Book of Baby Names

4. How to Sustain a Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel

3. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

2. The Amish Phone Book

AND.... The Number One World's Shortest Book:

1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion.



------------------
-Dennis


 
No wonder Al Gore is so popular with President Clinton. The president likes anyone who helps increase his O-zone

------------------
-Dennis


 
They finally discovered what was making the Mars Rover hit all those rocks. It seems the navigational system was totally dependent on mathematical AlGoreRythms.

------------------
-Dennis


 
Hillary Clinton is trying to appeal to Jewish voters in New York by revealing that the second husband of her grandmother was a Russian-born Jew named Max Rosenberg. If that works for her, Al Gore plans to announce he invented the matzo ball.

------------------
-Dennis


 
Presidential candidates George W. Bush and Al Gore have both been using Spanish in their speeches to try and appeal to Hispanic voters. Bush doesn't do too bad but Al Gore sounds like the Taco Bell dog trying to convince his owner not to neuter him.

------------------
-Dennis


 
Last winter someone was writing "Al Gore sucks" in the snow around the white house with urine. Al Gore was upset that someone could do such a thing. The FBI was ordered to analyze the yellow snowed graffiti in an effort to aprehend the suspect. Janet Reno set up a meeting with Gore to discuss the results. Reno told Gore that the FBI was confused by the results. It was discovered that the urine was Bill Clinton's but the handwriting was Tipper's.

------------------
-Dennis


 
Nice run shootist!
smile.gif


Some computer viruses 4 U (including an Al Gore one):

BILL CLINTON VIRUS: Promises to save your disk, then once installed does what it wants to do and ignores its installer.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...NO new files". It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

AL GORE VIRUS: Undistinguishable from the directory tree.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
 
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