Clean jokes...

B

brownshoe

I support this site with my MIND
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Sep 6, 2002
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Well since the last thread was closed with Gary saying "It’s been a long run, some good, some groaners. Time to give it a rest and someone can start a fresh thread for this new year." Let's start fresh.

A rabbi, priest and minister are playing golf. Somehow they get on the topic of when life begins. The priest states "Life begins after the sperm and egg join." The minister says "No, No, that's not a viable organism. Life begins after it attaches to the uterine wall." The rabbi laughs and says "You are both wrong. Life begins after the youngest child leaves home and the dog dies."

 
Ok, since you asked . . . one more.

Margaret and John, a married couple, are at the breakfast table one morning when Margaret asks John, "if I were to die would you remarry?"

John is reluctant to get into this discussion and avoids answering.

Margaret is persistent however, and repeats the question for days on end. John, finally badgered into responding replies, "yes, honey, I probably would remarry."

Margaret then asks, "Would you sell our house?" "No, I would never do that," John says. "Would you sell our bed?" she asks. "Of course not," he answers.

"And would you ever let her use my golf clubs?" she wants to know. John answers, "No, sweetheart, never! Besides she's left handed."
 
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do." The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he
has to do. Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: "Chapter 11."
 
Sophie comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.

Her husband, Max asks, "Why are you so happy?"

Sophie says, "Doctor Cohen told me that for a fifty five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped Max, "What did he say about your fifty five year old ass?"

She said, "Your name never came up.
 
My wife and I were recently getting ready for a fancy night out with a bunch of people that I didn’t know. We were pressed for time and I had made it clear that I really did not want to go.

As I finished putting shoe polish on my dress shoes and sat them down to dry, my wife looked down and said, “Your not finished. You only polished the front half of your shoes.”

“That’s because I only care what these people think when I walk in the room. I don’t really care what they think when I leave.”
 
They say that a dog is mans best friend. There is simple test to find if that is true:

Lock your dog and your girlfriend in the trunk of a car. Wait 10 minutes and then let them both out at the same time. Pay close attention to which one is glad to see you.
 
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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars ... and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.
 
A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency one day, while on duty attending confession. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his friend, a rabbi from the synagogue across the street, if he can fill in for him.

The rabbi says he wouldn't know what to do, so the priest agrees to stay with him for a few minutes and show him the ropes.
They enter their half of the confessional together and soon enough, a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."

"What did you do?" asks the priest.

"I have committed adultery," she replies.

"How many times?" continues the priest.

"Three times."

"Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more," finishes the priest.

The woman leaves and not long after a man enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."

"What did you do?"

"I have committed adultery."
"How many times?"

"Three times."

"Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more." The man leaves.

The rabbi tells the priest he thinks he's got it figured out now, so the priest leaves, and the rabbi waits until another woman enters the confessional, who says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."

"What did you do," asks the rabbi.

"I have committed adultery," she replies.

"How many times?"
"Twice."

"I tell you what," says the rabbi. "Go do it one more time and come back. We got a special this week, three for $5!"
 
Moishe is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife Miriam. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

Miriam sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea with a piece of cake. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother Herman with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Moishe. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says Miriam, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Moishe heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law Herman. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to Herman. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replies Herman. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Moishe.
"I don't remember."
 

Are computers masculine or feminine?​

A class learning French and trying to get to grips with gender wondered
if the word "computer" should be masculine or feminine. Split into
two groups, men and women, they were asked to say which they
considered a computer to be, and to give four reasons for their decision.


The women decided that computers are masculine because:​

  • In order to gain their attention, you have to turn them on.

  • They are full of data, but are still clueless.

  • They are supposed to help you solve your problems,
    but most of the time they are the problem.

  • As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
    waited a little longer, you could have had a better one.

The men decided that computers are feminine because:​

  • No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

  • The language they use to communicate with each other
    is totally incomprehensible.

  • Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
    for later retrieval.

  • As soon as you commit to them, you spend half your disposable
    income on buying accessories for them.
 
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