Clean jokes...

Discussion in 'Community Center' started by brownshoe, Jan 8, 2021.

  1. brownshoe

    brownshoe I support this site with my MIND

    Sep 6, 2002
    Well since the last thread was closed with Gary saying "It’s been a long run, some good, some groaners. Time to give it a rest and someone can start a fresh thread for this new year." Let's start fresh.

    A rabbi, priest and minister are playing golf. Somehow they get on the topic of when life begins. The priest states "Life begins after the sperm and egg join." The minister says "No, No, that's not a viable organism. Life begins after it attaches to the uterine wall." The rabbi laughs and says "You are both wrong. Life begins after the youngest child leaves home and the dog dies."

  2. MikeH


    Oct 18, 2001
    When honeybees are travelling where do they make a bathroom stop for the kids?

    The BP station.

    Well, it did crack my granddaughter up.
    annr, brownshoe, lmleck and 1 other person like this.
  3. brownshoe

    brownshoe I support this site with my MIND

    Sep 6, 2002
    It was a hit here in the Midcoast :)
  4. tinfoil hat timmy

    tinfoil hat timmy Gold Member Gold Member

    Aug 21, 2014
    Why dont you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

    They're so good at it.
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2021
    Ron Raducanu, taldesta and annr like this.
  5. The Amazing Virginian

    The Amazing Virginian Gold Member Gold Member

    Feb 24, 2010
    I might have used up all my clean jokes in the now-closed thread. But I have one REAL dirty one. And here it goes!

    A little boy tripped and fell in a mud puddle.

    tinfoil hat timmy likes this.
  6. The Amazing Virginian

    The Amazing Virginian Gold Member Gold Member

    Feb 24, 2010
    Ok, since you asked . . . one more.

    Margaret and John, a married couple, are at the breakfast table one morning when Margaret asks John, "if I were to die would you remarry?"

    John is reluctant to get into this discussion and avoids answering.

    Margaret is persistent however, and repeats the question for days on end. John, finally badgered into responding replies, "yes, honey, I probably would remarry."

    Margaret then asks, "Would you sell our house?" "No, I would never do that," John says. "Would you sell our bed?" she asks. "Of course not," he answers.

    "And would you ever let her use my golf clubs?" she wants to know. John answers, "No, sweetheart, never! Besides she's left handed."
    taldesta and annr like this.
  7. annr


    Nov 15, 2006
    A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

    The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do." The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he
    has to do. Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

    The man replies: "Chapter 11."
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  8. annr


    Nov 15, 2006
    Sophie comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.

    Her husband, Max asks, "Why are you so happy?"

    Sophie says, "Doctor Cohen told me that for a fifty five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

    "Oh yeah?" quipped Max, "What did he say about your fifty five year old ass?"

    She said, "Your name never came up.
  9. sabre cat

    sabre cat Basic Member Basic Member

    Jul 4, 2014
    My wife and I were recently getting ready for a fancy night out with a bunch of people that I didn’t know. We were pressed for time and I had made it clear that I really did not want to go.

    As I finished putting shoe polish on my dress shoes and sat them down to dry, my wife looked down and said, “Your not finished. You only polished the front half of your shoes.”

    “That’s because I only care what these people think when I walk in the room. I don’t really care what they think when I leave.”
    taldesta likes this.
  10. annr


    Nov 15, 2006
    I just got back from a pleasure trip.

    I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

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