Not Farming?

[Brian Jones]

Not Farming
-----------
A congressman involved with agriculture issues received
this hilarious letter last week and passed it on to Inside
the Beltway:

Dear Representative:

I need your advice with an agriculture situation, please.
My friend Ed Peterson, who lives in Wells, Iowa, received a
check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.
So, I want to go into the 'not raising hogs" business next
year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best
kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best
breed of hogs not to raise?

I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise,
then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Duroes.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't
raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for 30 years or so, and
the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968 until this
year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000
for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first.year. Then I
can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too. In view of
these
circumstances you understand that I will be totally
unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food
stamps.

Patriotically yours,

Clyde Holsclaw

 

[Steve Hayden]

Not to be picky, but I think that one of those breeds he wants to not raise is Durocs, not Duroes. Personally, I would even be glad to not raise even mongrel hogs for money, as I am already doing it for free.

 

[Esav Benyamin]

For those of you who believe you have a right to not raise hogs, we have a whole list of rights you don't have. These have apparently been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA.

"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal, bed wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness -- which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

 

[Brian Jones]

Excellent Bill of No Rights!

 

[Don Luis]

Esav,

I´ve seen these before, they should be displayed and distributed everywhere.

I hear the "We´ll give everything to the poor" line much too often, and a lot of people love it, no wonder we are third world.

It seems there are two things I can do:

Stay in Mexico, become poor and wait for the government to give me everything.

Or,

Migrate illegally to the U.S. and not raise hogs.

 

[DB1]

Thanks for the great reads!