Clean jokes...

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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"
 
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the
checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.:confused:

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff
an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.:(
 
Ok, You owe me a new laptop, mine now has coffee spewed all over it. Had to pull battery and power down quick to keep from shorting out. I am typing this from my wife's computer.
Jim
 
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.

So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going..

Do you know what the e-mail said?







Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either. :eek:
 
Codger, that was a good one, did we ever find out what the email said?
Jim
 
During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a
Blonde receptionist was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyGoofyBubbaSrLondon"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was
told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and Include at least one capital.


Stolen from Knifemaker IG
 
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thefifth said:
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"
Click to expand...


LOL. That's one of the best ones I've heard in a long time (and a little non-PC, which just adds to the humor).

- Mark
 
What does a person that is afraid of Santa Claus have?
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Claustrophobia...:)
G2
 
Was thinking of Rodney Dangerfield today and found these quotes from him;

I haven`t spoken to my wife in years. I didn`t want to interrupt her.

My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she`s afraid of the light!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn`t stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, `At least we know your vision is perfect.`

My wife`s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there`s nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I met the Surgeon General - he offered me a cigarette.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

also his tombstone reads;
"There goes the neighborhood"
 
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
 
A woman listening to the radio in the morning hears a report about a car travelling the wrong way on the hiway.

Recognizing the hiway as one her husbands uses to get to work in the morning she decided to call him and warn him, she gets him on the cellphone and say's, "Honey I just wanted to let you know that the news is reporting that a car is going the wrong way down the hiway."

Her husband replied, "One car, there must be a hundred cars going the wrongway."
 
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a darn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the darn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our butts! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a darn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!
 
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.




2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.




3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.




4. A dog's parents never visit.




5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.




6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.




7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..




8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.




9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"





10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.




11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.




12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.




13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.




And last, but certainly not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.



Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.:D
 
There is the joke of the blonde in the airplane going to Seattle. Altough she has a ticket for Coach, she sits in a First Class seat, and no power in the world can make her go to her assigned seat. Finally, the fligth attendant calls the pilot. He comes, have a brief conversation with the blonde and she goes to her place, smiling.
Mystified the attendant ask the pilot, how he did it. Easy, answers the pilot: I told her that that seat, wasn't going to Seattle.
 
did you hear about the two monks who went to the dentist?
They asked for no injections.
"Why is that?" the dentist enquired.
"We wish to transcend dental medications"
 
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