My prize fighting rooster is sure to scare some folks straight. :thumbup:
An ESEE Ass Whoopin' Warranty Team could be a PR bonanza as well as a lucrative reality show in its own right. There'd be a U.S. tour followed by European and South American tours. In each town, they'd be filmed while ferreting out abusive idiots, forcing them to wear the "panties of shame," and emotionally taunting them to the point of tears. Of course, they'd be on the clock, the idea being to start the waterworks as early as possible. Each week's "winner" would receive a free ESEE slipjoint. Runner-ups would get a free ESEE coke spoon.
Imagin, an Orange Van with a Pink Izula on the side pulls up, and about 900lbs of pissed off professional tough guys pile out, carrying a bag of knives. Goes up, knocks on the door.
"I, um <looks at list> Jerry Behand here?"
"I'm Jerry, what can I do for you?"
"Jerry, you bought and ESEE3 2 yrs ago, we recieved an email stating its was broken, we are the ESEE Ass Whoopin Warranty Team. We're here to replace the knife."
"OH, great, yeah, me and my neighbor Joe were in the back last week, drinkin' beer and throwin' this thing into a tree we got in the back. Sure was a tough knife, we must have thrown that thing 500 times. Here it is. So where's my........<gets yanked off the porch>
900lbs of pissed of "Customer Service Specialist" commence to beat the shit out of Jerry, as Jerry has never experienced. As Jerry is laying in his own front yard, bleeding and crawling for the front porch, the lead EAWWT, looks down, and says,
"Mr. Behand, on behalf of ESEE knife company, here is your replacement, use it wisely."
The whole team walks back towards the van, the Lead EAWWT, looks at his clipboard, "One more to go on this street, c'mon"
They walk 2 houses down, from where Jerry Behand is slowly beginning to lose consciousness. The Lead knocks on the door. A skinny little guy answers,
"Can I help you guys?"
"We are looking for , um <looks at clipboard> Michael Lon."
"That's me. Watchoo need?"
"Well, Mr. Lon, we are the ESEE Ass Whoopin Warranty Team, we heard you broke a um, er, Pink Izula? Is that correct?"
"Um, yeah, my daughter locker herself in the bathroom accidently, and I had to use it to pry the jam apart far enough to slip the bolt, the knife actually didn't break though, but the handle bent something fierce. Its my wife's knife. She's gonn a kill me when she finds out. Am I in some kinda trouble or somethin'?"
"Why, no, Mr. Lon, you are a great customer and Jeff and Mike of ESEE thank you for your support of the ESEE knife company. Here's a brand new Pink Izula, and a brand new OD one for you. Take care of them, and watch that bathroom door. Have a great day, sir."
As they walk off, the EAWWT with the chicken head, looks over at one of the others, and says, "Man, I was wantin' ta whoop that guys ass. I mean, that is what they pay us to do right?"
As they all pile back in the van, we see Mr. Behand's wife, running to Jerry laying on the front lawn, a brand new ESEE 3 in his hand, and a brand new respect for knives, in his swollen eyes.
This where it fades out.
Moose
