Clean jokes...

Discussion in 'Community Center' started by Gary W. Graley, Feb 17, 2008.

  1. DocT

    DocT

    Mar 25, 2012
    A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks: “Do you know her?”

    “Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

    “My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
     
  2. afishhunter

    afishhunter Basic Member Basic Member

    Oct 21, 2014
    A while back a guy asked if I had a match. I told him "Not since Superman died."

    About 15 months ago, I was sitting on one of the park benches downtown, minding my own business eating a sandwich and drinking a Mountain Dew, taking a break from riding my (adult) trike.

    Some cute 20 something gal I've never seen or spoken to before or since comes up to me and says:
    "You and I have absolutely nothing in common!!!"
    I told her "You are mistaken. We have at least three things in common."
    "Oh yeah!? What!?"
    "First, we both speak English. Second, we're both alive. Third, we're both buck naked under all our clothes."

    She walked away shaking her head.
    I have no idea why she said anything to me ... or even looked at me. That ugly old thing in my Avatar really is me.

    Is true. 440C is the "original super steel". "Superior" edge holding (and allegedly) corrosion resistance, and a higher Rockwell C rating, when compared to 440A and 1095 which were the then normal/standard knife steels (at least for "Made in USA"). So far as I know, O1, D2 the other tool steels, and 5160 were not used by any production knife company. Then as now, I pretty much ignored custom knives.
    440C was also more difficult to sharpen than the other blades using the then standard Arkansas stones.
    (Diamond, SIC, and other advanced sharpening stones hadn't been invented yet.)
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2020
  3. bRCwZJ

    bRCwZJ Gold Member Gold Member

    224
    Mar 2, 2008
    A father and his son were in Walmart. The son was staring in wide-eyed wonder. Noticing this, the father said - Back before Walmart, son, we had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
     
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  4. DocT

    DocT

    Mar 25, 2012
    Jokes, not steel.
     
  5. DocT

    DocT

    Mar 25, 2012
    An officer pulled over a man and walked up to his window.

    “How long have you been driving without a brake light?” asked the policeman.

    The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

    “Come on, now,” he said. “You don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.”

    “It isn’t?” cried the motorist. “Then what happened to my boat and trailer?”
     
  6. DocT

    DocT

    Mar 25, 2012
  7. DocT

    DocT

    Mar 25, 2012
    [​IMG]
     
  8. VorpelSword

    VorpelSword

    43
    Dec 27, 2007
    Last week I got kicked out of a Flat Earth Society meeting after I asked if this six foot social distancing thing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.
     
  9. Charlie_K

    Charlie_K

    Jul 16, 2012
    My therapist suggested that I should write letters to everyone that's ever made me angry in my life.

    I did that. But now what do I do with the letters?
     
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  10. annr

    annr

    Nov 15, 2006
    Self-addresses stamped envelope?
     
    taldesta likes this.
  11. DocT

    DocT

    Mar 25, 2012
    A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.

    After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.

    Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.

    Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.

    "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
     
  12. DocT

    DocT

    Mar 25, 2012
    I asked my girfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said, I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite, and I'm perfect...also that I had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2020
  13. Charlie_K

    Charlie_K

    Jul 16, 2012
    It appears I left the tail end off the last attempt. Let's try again...

    My therapist suggested that I should write letters to everyone that's ever made me angry in my life, and then burn them.

    I did that. But now what do I do with the letters?
     
  14. Gary W. Graley

    Gary W. Graley “Imagination is more important than knowledge" Knifemaker / Craftsman / Service Provider

    Mar 2, 1999
    Nice
    ;)
    G2
     
  15. Charlie_K

    Charlie_K

    Jul 16, 2012
    While getting off from work I was stuck behind the driver of a Chevrolet Impala, with a handicapped license plate, who just couldn't manage to get up to the speed limit the entire time he was in front of me.

    All I could wonder was where was a hungry lion when you needed one?
     
  16. The Amazing Virginian

    The Amazing Virginian Gold Member Gold Member

    Feb 24, 2010
    So A Man Walks Into a Bar . .
    Looks at the bartender and says,

    "I'll have a Corona and a couple of hurricanes."

    Bartender says . . .

    "That'll be 20.20."
     
  17. The Amazing Virginian

    The Amazing Virginian Gold Member Gold Member

    Feb 24, 2010
    Thanks for moving that here, whoever did it. I would have posted here, but this thread was buried nine days behind other threads. Maybe pin this thread to the top?
     
  18. bigsurbob

    bigsurbob Gold Member Gold Member

    852
    Jun 10, 2016
    As a bartender, I bust this one out as much as possible:

    Hey did you hear about the one-armed fisherman?

    He caught a fish [hold one hand up] THIS BIG!








    I'll be here through the weekend.
     
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  19. sabre cat

    sabre cat Basic Member Basic Member

    Jul 4, 2014
    That is one of the two fishing jokes I can remember.
     
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  20. The Amazing Virginian

    The Amazing Virginian Gold Member Gold Member

    Feb 24, 2010
    Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf.

    Moses tees up first, and plunks his ball into the water. Nonplussed, he walks over to the pond, parts the water with his club, and hits the ball onto the green.

    Jesus tees up next, and also manages to hit his ball into the pond, where the ball curiously floats. So Jesus walks down to the pond, across the water, and hits his ball out onto the green.

    Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water, too. However, as the ball hits the surface of the water, a fish jumps up and swallows it. Amazingly, the fish is immediately snatched by an eagle, which flies away and deposits the fish on the green. The ball shoots out of the fish's mouth and rolls into the cup for a hole in one.

    Jesus turns around to Moses and says, "Next time I'm leaving my Dad at home"


    Not a fishing joke, but at least a fish joke.
     
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