I have a funny feeling I'm getting dumped.

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philthygeezer

philthygeezer

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And I don't know exactly why. Little signs here and there. I tell myself it's insecurity because I am starting to care for her. But my gut tells me something is amiss.

Probably should just let it ride and go the way it wants? Act like I don't care? Seems like asking if anything is wrong is like betraying a neediness. I hate to go down without a fight, and maybe that is just what we need?

Should I confront her? It's exam time though...

:confused: :(
 
It might be nothing more than the exams...she may be distracted with her own worries, you may be more stressed than you realize, you may be worried about exams and not realizing, be displacing it on your relationship...who knows? Live each day as if it's your last, work to enjoy what you have, le tthe rest go... :D
 
Don't ask the question if you can't handle the answer.

In social work, an intervention/confrontation is done so that someone is given a chance to make a choice. However, that choice is made about the same way cattle get herded into a chute. It only works when you've made the other options very, very undesireable. Like squeezing a bottle of mustard, there's only one way to get out.

Trust me: what I used to do ( blackmail, extortion, and kidnapping ) would have landed me in jail if I hadn't been doing it on behalf of the State and the Court. Actually, I think I learned those tricks when I was doing my internship with Adult Parole and Probation.
 
Sometiems just getting some time to one's self to clear away the excess demands of life and contemplate one's navel is a great way to look into one's heart, the guide of us all.

Often I believe that we already know the answers, even before we acknowledge the question.

Example: My wife was watching TV, and lotas of Law&Order, one with a horrible story about a baby death. Well, she got a bit agitated and worried, and was like "hey do you think our baby is OK? (Now me, I didn't sleep fer like 3 months when Heather was born, and I felt compelled to check on her almost hourly when she was in the crib). I asked: "what do you feel in your heart?" She paused for a second and sorta de-focused, then said "She's fine." If she hadn't been fine, I know she'd know it. I can sense it now too, either because I attuned myself to Heather thru observance, ancestral (blood) ties, etc. who can say fer sure (label not that important, right?)

We develop deep and invisible bonds between family, friends and loved ones--ever known someone who just sensed that something was wrong, perhaps an unseasy feeling, only to find out a person they knew had a flat tire, or was in an accident? The link between mother and baby is really strong, but anyone can develop this heightened awareness skill..it's getting good focus (or lack therof) that is the trick.


Don't second guess yourself--think it over, feel it out when you get time follow Nasty's advice.

My wife is Bi-Polar and before being diagnosed and medicated would be alternately excited, engaged in the relationship, and happy without questions or cares...then the flipside was depression, distance, mopiness, doubtful. Before she was diagnosed, I thought it was just me or something--you know, good husband one month, bad hubbie minth after, etc--turned out it was about her!

One plucker to another, Phil--Don't forget to play that bass, neither. Music is good fer quieting the mind and workin the soul.

As always, take what you like and throw the rest away.

Keith
 
change is always hard, and scary at times. Girls are fickled to put it mildly. Don't sweat it. As the saying goes, there are more fish in the sea. :)

Trust me, you can find another just as good, perhaps better.
 
I have found there are five stages in a deep relationship. I seem to cycle around in them. Mention this as a map to help me understand. Oh, let me also mention that usually the other person goes through the same stages AT THE SAME TIME.

1. Puppy Love - Unreal. You fell for an illusion. So did they. The perfect mate. You sing. You are amazed that this person likes khuks also! AND they are very sensitive to you and your needs/likes/dislikes! Nice, Huh?

2. Not-So-Great: You realize they have a few flaws. AND they are not as sensitive to you as you originally thought. (they feel the same way about you).

3. Get them to change: Just a few things. You try to convice them that it would be for their best welfare to change. That other people would like them better. They would be a better person. (They try to tell you the same thing, but you are not listening either).

4. MISERY: Any time you try to get someone else to change their behavior you face misery. Since they won't listen, you tend to stop talking. Politeness ends. You do and say things that make them miserable and they respond in kind. Silence is often followed by absence, withdrawal. Often the relationship ends here.

What works for me is to begin to take a moral inventory. Are there things that I am doing that I don't like to see in myself? I often find things that would make me reject me! Ugliness that I don't like in myself. I know that the only person it is fair for me to change is ME!

Now don't tell the other person that you are going to change a few things in yourself! Particularly if these things have been pointed, and I mean POINTED out by them. Just start being on time. for instance. Just do it. But don't expect them to immediately notice. They won't.

In fact they may still complain that you aren't changing. That you are still being late even when you are on time.

I decided that there were things I wanted to change in me in order that I would like myself better. Be on time. Be caring. Keep my agreements. Be the kind of person I would like to be. Maybe be someone they would miss?

Many times when I looked at myself in a relationship I saw that I was mean, impolite, ugly, derisive, unpleasant as hell. Not a person who would be missed.

Recognizing that I can't change them that the only person I can change is me has led me into:

5. Agape - love them and their "faults." Yeah she screws up. Forgets. Gained a little weight. Has headaches. Has some holes in her bucket, but so do I. I would rather be with her than anyone else.

There is no perfect woman. There is no perfect relationship. If there is a soul mate they will stimulate you to grow.

Every time I hear an old couple taking about 40 - 50 - 60 years of marriage, I ask them what does it take to have a relationship that lasts?

They universally respond it takes work! Work on yourself! AND keep talking.

My relationship with my wife is the longest relationship I have ever been in. Understanding these stages has helped me. Oh, yeah, you don't just reach Stage 5 and stay there, though it is a lot like "puppy love" when you are there. You will cycle through them.

But as you take reponsibility for yourself it gets better.

Works for me.

Thriving in Atlanta,
 
my two bits; for all the times I worried and then acted too much, I wish I'd just let it go and gone and done other things.

You know? Go fishing. REad a book. Take a hike. Live life. And then she sorts it out and whatever comes comes.

(This is not to mean avoidance of issues-)

I generally believe in gut feelings.



munk
 
Call Ferrous what you like- just never call him late to Dinner? Now, that's a value judgement.



munk
 
There is usually no good way around relational problems like this when they occur, other than to reflect that in hindsight they will appear to have been minor problems ten years hence. Hope everything works out the way you would like, but you will get through it one way or the other.
 
Advice from a fool.

Trust your gut.

Be honest with yourself.

Be honest with her.

Love her and do not try to manipulate her behavior. Confrontation sounds manipulative. Try to be open and not threatening so she can say whatever it is that is on her mind. Perhaps she is thinking of terminating your relationship. Perhaps not.

Sometimes one partner secretively prepares for leaving, with the tacit consent of the person being "fooled." This kind of game is harder to maintain in the face of complete openness and honesty.

Don't bury your head in the sand. Talk openly about the little things that seem unusual.

Accept that she may want to leave and that in the end leaving or staying is her decision.

It does take two to tango.
 
[tried to post this earlier, but weirdness happened.
I think this has been said mostly,
but here's what I tried to post before]

Don't bother worrying.
(not that you'll really be able to stop, but.....)
Be cool, be yourself, act the same now as before,
let it play out.
When the stress period is over you'll have a better idea
one way or the other.

OTOH, knowing how people behave when stressed is important.
Many people act much differently when stressed than when happy.

Can you live with both?
 
Rusty said:
Don't ask the question if you can't handle the answer.
Click to expand...

Excellent advice.

If I were in your situation, I think I would just let it ride until exams were over. But do keep an eye on her actions during this time, and yours as well.

I don't believe in dating unless the person might be a potential marriage candidate. Period.

And if during the dating period that person displays personality traits that you find undesireable, then break it off quick and clean. Because the somewhat undesireable traits only get worse once the novelty of romance has worn off - very, very, very, very, very, very, very rarely ever get less prevalent.

One young man close to me was engaged to a young lady who was a first class bitch the week before her period. And a complete and total bitch the week OF her period. And a first class bitch for a week after her period.

During the one week not included in the above pre-, concurrent- and post MS stuff, she was merely needy, vindictive and manipulative, with random episodes of kindness and warmth.

I told him as gently as I could one day when he was totally fed up with her constantly being negative for three weeks out of every four, that if he thinks it's bad now, it will only get worse after the wedding.

I also advised him to have his fiancee' see a doctor about the problem. Might need some hormone medication to smooth out the peaks and valleys.

He married her. She wouldn't see a doc, and she is a bigger fiend now than she ever was. Poor stupid lovesick fellow. Now look what he's saddled with.
 
I just saw her and we talked a little. i told her that she seemed a bit strange over the past few days and I asked her if anything was wrong. She said no and that she is just stressed out about her schoolwork, and doesn't feel like she has any time at all.

So I told her I was feeling strange too because I didn't want to go out of town to work without seeing her before I go, and I was afraid that that was going to happen. I suggested that we see each other for a couple of hours on friday night and then we could spend more time together after I get back.

Whoever suggested exam stress might be causing weirdness might be quite right. I'm gonna chill out and relax now, and maybe it won't be weird after the stress is over. I'll still be worried, but I won't dwell on it.

Maybe she thinks I'm acting strange too...
 
Whoever suggested exam stress might be causing weirdness might be quite right.
Click to expand...

Nuthin but air...


Then again, I might be chock full o' nutz... ;-)
 
Talked to her last night. It is SO much worse than I thought.

Turns out she is acting strange because she thinks I'm too fat, I act strangely around other people (I'm very shy) and they think I'm a spaz, and her friends warned her about me because they think I am a sex fiend. That's why she didn't want anyone at school to know we were going out: because of what they would think of her for dating me. She told me it was because she was shy and wasn't used to dating. She hasn't trusted me from day one and still doesn't, and even when I thought it was going great and we were falling in love, she just felt rushed.

Oh yeah, and during those four months we slept together and played around but we never once had sex. Turns out she only made out with me to please me and was never into it once.

I'm 33 and I have never had a real GF. I lost my virginity at 31 to a girl who dumped me a few days later. I don't know anything about this stuff and the books I read are all ****ing wrong. I'm a total idiot and I hate myself thoroughly. I don't have a ****ing clue and it seems I never will, no matter how hard I try. I am totally alone again, and it turns out that I really was even when I thought I wasn't.

But she thinks she can 'fix' me. God, am I am hurting so badly right now...

:( :( :( :(
 
Philthy--that sucks. Sorry to hear it, man. At least now you know what is going on and can act accordingly. I know it's a terrible cliche, but there really are other fish in the sea. You'll find someone who likes you for who you are and isn't worried about what other people will think of her for dating you. From what you've written, your current gal seems shallow and rather heartless. You can do better than this for yourself. Trust me.
--Josh
 
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