Clean jokes...

Status
Not open for further replies.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
I am old & love to fish.

I was sitting in my canoe the other day, when I heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

I looked around & couldn't see anyone.

I thought I was dreaming when I heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

I looked in the water & there, floating on the top, was a frog.

I said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me & I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious & jealous because I will be your mistress.'

I looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, & placed it in my front pocket.

The frog said to me, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me & I will be your beautiful mistress.'

At that moment I opened my pocket, looked at the frog & said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

Codger:)
 
I hate to be the one to bring in the dirty joke but here it is:

My dog fell in the mud.

Ok, a clean joke. I gave him a bath.
 
Mexican Jews
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in
Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith
born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor, I ask the cooks." He returns from
the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the cook say no
Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I check once
again, Senor."

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there
are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is no Mexican
Jews."

Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews."

The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE... All we have is
Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews!"
 
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.


The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"


Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."


The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."


Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."


The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money.
 
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."
 
OK, a little help here.... I don't get it.


A.W.U.K. said:
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."
Click to expand...
 
A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.
First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge".
"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."
The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."
Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.
"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."
By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.
Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"
The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
 
A Good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand?...Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
 
Steven Wright joke:

"...when I see a guy pushing 30 shopping carts across a parking lot, I'll yell out HEY SOMEBODY ELSE MIGHT WANT TO USE ONE OF THOSE!!! " ;)

G2
 
The country of [Blogistan] (<--enter your own choice of notoriously labeled people here), for the first time in the history of their country, won 3 gold medals at the 2012 Olympics!! They are so proud of their gold medals that they are having them bronzed!
 
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
 
So the farm boy answered the front door to find a neighbor standing there. "Are your parents home?" Nope, they went into town for supplies. The man stood there a minute. The boy spoke, "If you need to borrow a tool, just go to the shop, get what you need to borrow and leave Dad a note."

The man paced nervously, "Is your brother Herbert home?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The man paced a little more. "Well, its like this, your bother Herbert got my daughter pregnant."

The boy thought a minute about this. "Well, I know Dad charges $500 for the bull stud fee, and $50 for the hog stud fee, but I have no idea how much he charges for Herbert. I'll ask when Dad gets home and tell him you were here."

Ta da da. Ring........................

Larry
Tinkerer

Stop me if you've heard this one before.
 
Last edited:
The blonde heard the news report, 2 Brazilian died in the earthquake,
she said, "oh my, that's TERRIBLE, how many is a Brazilian???"

my apologies to blondes everywhere ;)
G2
 
Last edited:
THE OSTRICH!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and Pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and A salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered Me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right... Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say..."
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top