Clean jokes...

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Patient: Doc, you gotta help us. My brother thinks he's a chicken!

Dr: Ok, ok. Have him take two of these pills. Call me in the morning to see if he improves any.

Patient: No doc you don't understand; see we need the eggs. . .
 
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This won't exactly make you guffaw hysterically and crawl on all fours, but it did make me chuckle!

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A characters father would drunkenly repeat this in Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions

"Roses are red, and ready for plucking.
You're sixteen, and ready for highschool"

I got a kick out of it.
 
My apologies if this one has been posted already, but its one of my favorites.


***
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging
that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, dumb ass! Get in."

***
 
Do you know why there are usually just Snow men made and not so many Snow women?

Cuz it takes too long to hollow out the head...;)
(my apologies to all the snow women out there)

G2
 
Two friends were walking their dogs, a Doberman Pinscher and a Chihuahua. The one with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go in that bar and get a drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman said, "Follow my lead and do what I do."

They walked over to the bar, and the guy with the Doberman put on sunglasses and started to walk in. The bouncer stopped him at the door and said, "Sorry, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand, this is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman Pinscher? You're putting me on."

"No," he replied, "we're using them now. They're very good and they protect us from robbers." And the bouncer said, "Go on in."

The man with the Chihuahua thought, "What the hell," and put on a pair of dark sunglasses. The bouncer stopped him at the door and said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "Now I've heard it all. You expect me to believe you have a Chihuahua guide dog?"

The guy with the Chihuahua shouted, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a ****ing Chihuahua?!"
 
Some Irish humor


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

============

Sean staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Sean sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Sean woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Sean said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

G2
 
Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,

"So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

:)
I always wondered how this trend got started.
G2
 
A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I asked him more about it he reckoned he could stop any time....

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday,
so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!
Forget this , I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.
Can you believe that , 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

The wife has been missing a week now. The Police said I should prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the pennies, nickels and dimes out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
no reason. I thought to myself , "AH, She's going through the change."

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed
six people in the rear in the last 48 hours , they believe the attacker
could be following some kind of pattern.

:)

G2
 
Jul 8, 2013 - A Browns fan asked in his obtiuary to have six Browns pallbearers so the team

' can let him down one last time.'


:)
G2
 
Yeah Tim, that was a tough one ;)

Here's one you can use a coin for, I show folks the Nevada state quarter and ask them if they know what kind of horses they are?

Nevada_.jpg~original


they fumble around and don't even guess, to which I respond, 'They're Quarter Horses...of course! ' :)

G2
 
An elderly man had a stroke and his family frantically drove him to the Emergency Room. After treating him, the doctor came out to the family wearing a long, sad face. He said, "I am afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
His wife cried out, "O dear God! We've never had a liberal in the family before!"

Three men went to heaven and were stopped and questioned by St. Peter as to how they got there. The first man said, "I was certain my wife was cheating on me so I came home from work early and looked all around the house and did not find anyone. So, in a fit of rage I picked up the refrigerator and threw it out of the window. The exertion caused a heart attack and I died." The second man said, "I was walking down the sidewalk when suddenly a refrigerator fell on my head and killed me." St. Peter asked the third man, "And how did you happen to come here?" The man replied, "There I was standing in this refrigerator..."
 
One more :D

OLD TESTAMENT COMPUTING

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
 
Here's a pretty good one I read in a biker magazine. Been using it for years. It's long, but good. Usually I replace the guy playing the bagpipes with a coworker. Everybody knows I can't play them! I never tell it from first person perspective. Have a laff, on me.


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no
family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in
the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a
typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late
and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in
sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating
lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, and we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though
my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the worker say,
"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothing like that before and I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
A drunk sitting at a bar turns around and looks toward the door. He turns back to the bartender and says look at that cat coming in. He's only got one eye. The bartender looks over the bar and says he's not coming in, he's going out.
 
Here's a batch of Steven Wright sayings, he's just a little different ;)

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite:

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights
work?

:)
G2
 
why was the mushroom invited to the party

He was a fun guy

Get it fungi ^_^
 
hehe yep, fungi...;)

Guy at work says man it's crazy, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes!!!

I asked, have you seen a doctor?

To which he replied...No, just spots...;)

G2
 
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