Clean jokes...

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A teenager was walking home one Halloween night after having been out tricking rather than treating. He took the short cut through the cemetery, where all was dark and a mist was rising from the ground. Suddenly, he heard "Tap, tap, tap." A little startled by the tapping, he fearfully made his way towards the noise. He spotted an odd looking old man with a hammer and chisel. He was chipping away at a headstone on a grave.
"I thought you were a ghost" he said to the man. "What are you doing working so late?"
The old man replied, "Those idiots mispelled my name."
 
I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs.
_"What brings you to Canada?"
[Points to the side] "That 'jerk'."
_ "When are you leaving?"
"As soon as I regain my equilibrium!"


I got a parrot, and the parrot talked, but it did not say, “I’m hungry,” so it died. - Mitch Hedberg
 
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer perks right up and says, "Wow! you've got to be kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

:)

G2
 
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

G2
 
Why did the muddy rooster cross the road twice?










Because he's a dirty double crosser.
 
Do you know what DNA stands for ?
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National Dyslexia Association

G2
 
An Englishman decides to go for an overseas holiday, and thinks Australia would be worth a visit.
When he gets off the plane and into Sydney airport the Customs agent checks his passport and asks him "Do you have any criminal convictions sir?"
"Huh?" Says the Englishman, "I didn't think you still needed them".

Same Englishman decides to take another overseas trip, this time to South Africa.
When he gets off the plane and into Johannesburg airport the Customs agent checks his passport and asks him "Are you carrying any concealed weapons sir?"
"Huh? No of course not!" Says the Englishman, and the Customs agent replies, "Would you like to choose one from our wide range?".
 
How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The seeds of change are within the light bulb itself.
 
How many Alzheimer patients does it take to change a light bulb?
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To get to the other side.
 
Having worked in heavy civil construction for 30 years, the following is a particularly clean joke.


Why do farts smell?

(So the deaf can enjoy them too.)
 
Children are like farts. If they're your own, they are not too bad. If they're someone else's, they are horrendous!!!
 
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
 
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
 
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