Clean jokes...

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Yah Matty, I thought that was a good one too, here's one I just heard today;



Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

So, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was taken the following Sunday, he found that his card had been placed in the offering basket. In addition to his note, there was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10...'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the verse, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?

They still can be! Pass it on

'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)

;)
G2
 
A pastor was on his death bed and asked that is accountant and lawyer came and see him
The 2 came as asked, but were confused as the pastor never really like them

Each of them sat at either side of his bed. The pastor held each of their hands and breathed a sigh of contentment
After sitting in awkward silence for a while the lawyer asked, "Pastor forgive me, but why did you ask us to come?
With respect, you never seemed to like us a lot in the past."

The pastor replied, "Jesus died between 2 thieves. I want to go the same way"
 
The Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral of the story : Never, Never, Never Be Late
 
timcsaw said:
The Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral of the story : Never, Never, Never Be Late
Click to expand...

Haha Love It :D
 
The longer you've been married, the funnier this becomes!

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
 
An Irishman stops into a local pub, calls the bar tender and says 'Bar keep, I'll have three pints of ale if you don't mind'

The bar keep replies, 'I can bring ya a pint as you need it, no sense having all three at once?'

To which the Irishman replied, 'Ya don't follow, sorry bout that, it's a tradition that every Monday, where ever I be, I stop in a pub, have three pints of ale. As I have two bruthers' ya see and while we are far a part, we each do the same, so it's a little like we're back together, just for a drink' and winks as he downs his first pint.

The bar keep nods and understands the fellows family tradition and was good with that, so each Monday the same bloke would walk in and say 'Bar keep, three pints if you would please' and there it was.

Til one Monday, the Irishman comes into the pub and says, 'Bar keep, Two pints if you are a mind to bring em to me good sir'

Now the bar keep went to the mans table and said 'I know your tradition and must be one of your brothers is no longer with ye, I'm sorry for that sir' and bowed his head in reverence.

But the Irishman said, 'Oh no sir, my brothers are both fine, I've just given up beer for Lent' :)

G2
 
Old Age Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides!
 
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
 
Two blonds on their way to Disney World. In Orlando they see a sign that reads, "Disney left". Very upset, they turned around and went home.
 
Ok here's one for all you Math wizards out there;

What did the 0 say to the 8 ???
.
.
.
.
.
.
Nice belt !

:)
G2
 
Hmm not much for math around here I guess ;)

An elderly man's wife passed away, when the graveside service barely ended,
there was a tremendous crash of thunder, followed by brilliant bolts of lightening in the distance,
and on going rumbling of thunder.

The little old man looked up and then towards the pastor and calmly said,

"Well, she's there and it is His problem now."

G2 ;)
 
A boy was on a very long road trip with his parents, they stopped for breakfast at a diner. After they had eaten, payed and left a tip just as he was walking out the door their waitresses yelled "stay safe" and the boy replied..."stay safe? I'm trying to stay sane"
 
THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring
at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks,
"Anyone know whose phone this is?
 
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