Clean jokes...

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John was new in the neighborhood and encountered Gladys an elderly lady who took it upon herself to be the guardian of the neighborhood. John had had a flat tire the day before and left his truck parked in front of the local bar until he coukd get it fixed. Gladys chastised him because she said “I saw your truck parked in front of the bar all night so we know what you were up to.”

John didn’t say anything trying to be respectful. However after thinking it over I took his truck one night and park it in front of Gladys house and left it there all night.
 
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
 
Our lawnmower recently broke down and my wife kept bugging me to get it fixed. However other things just kept cropping up that needed my attention like cleaning out the garage, fixing the car, going fishing with my buddies, and all those kinds of things. One day my wife got a bright idea and she sat out in the front yard with a pair of scissors snipping the grass hoping I would get the hint. Thinking I was being helpful I went inside and got a toothbrush I came outside and told her as long as she was going to cut the grass he might as well sweep up afterwards.

The doctors say that I will be able to walk soon but I will always have a limp.
 
The Lord told Adam and Eve to "Go Forth and Multiply."

The next day The Lord and Adam were walking in the garden.
Adam asks: "Lord, What's a 'headache'?"
 
A farmer is overseeing his herd when suddenly a brand-new car appears out of a cloud of dust and starts advancing towards him.
The driver, a young man in a suit, leans out the window and asks the farmer: “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers: “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his mobile phone, gets on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo on his computer and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a database through an Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised printer. He turns to the farmer and says: “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right,” says the farmer. “Well, I guess you can take one of my calves.”
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the farmer says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a politician,” says the farmer.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie. “But how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required,” answered the farmer. “You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter.

“This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
 
All of his life Len from Canada had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they’d walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Len’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and almost drowned. His friend just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. Grandma, it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him? Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July.
 
You know why the chicken crossed the road? Because the road crossed the chicken.


[ Heist (2001) ]
 
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